Sometimes I Bleed

[Philatone]

hey ck!
wanted to provide some suggestions I hope would be helpful. I would encourage you not to give up! The work you put into this piece will come back to help you with other pieces I feel, but that is your decision.
I haven't read the other critiques, so let's begin!

One thing to think about is the title; it comes off as being pretty dramatic, which isn't a bad thing, almost has a romantic touch, but I'm not convinced it covers what you're going for.

The Still I remember, when the sky slipped ....interesting idea, the sky "slipping", but I'm not 100% sure how I'm supposed to take the meaning
through the haze of my slumber and the cerulean ...how about cutting the "my" and "the"?
glass exposed from the mist offered reprieve
from heat ablating my skin. ...there is a lot squeezed into the stanza. I felt as though some ideas could be trimmed a bit to make things clearer. if you prefer the words, I think adding a comma or two wouldn't hurt

Serving salinity I lay there, A leather bound ...I would make the A lowercase. "Serving salinity" felt a bit vague to me
trinket unteathered on unrelenting hardness ...how much do you need "unrelenting"? is "unteathered" spelled right? might just be me
of driftwood. I closed my eyes back to the
comfort of my dream, no avail.. endless drifting, ...how about reforming the line to: "comfort of my dream, endlessly drifting" or even just "drifting"
the ocean lapping my vessel.

I fear the water reflecting faces, legends of...I like this idea
wise men and mercy staining my bones. I long ...didn't understand the "mercy"
for human touch, the glow of a fresh lit hearth
over ice cream sundaes and doe eyes pining in...I wanted a stronger connection between "ice cream sundaes" and "doe eyes"; I think replacing "ice cream" with something of a more woodsy, natural feel would be easier and more conducive to what you're going for
vain. I ponder the servitude....this line did little for me; what servitude exactly?

I struggled the edge, occasionally relenting
to my weight and sometimes I bled. I could smell...I had trouble picturing this. do you mean "straddled" instead of "struggled"? again, could just be on my end.
the dried crust over my wounds and the fire from
salt washing it away. A deed that would test A ...I like the image of fire melding with water. after "away", I considered removing the rest
common man, until only an echo remains.

Here.. buoyant and embryotic I drift, shadows
no longer search above, the animations of their wake
have long subdued. With all hope lost as I am,
may my lonliness... be their pain. ...this stanza didn't contribute much for me to the piece. I've already gotten your sense of drifting as well as loneliness and despair. I think you can find a stronger punch

** reposted from novice, only change was "leather bound" from "leatherbound"

i found sparks scattered in here, but they were really covered up with puzzling word choices and descriptions. I think scissors would be your best friend here to begin with; see if you can get rid of anything unnecessary, and that will make improving other elements stronger. I'm not convinced it's worth abandoning, even if you may disagree; I think it could provide a nice base to improve from.

take as you will