I miss the scent of city girls

[Philatone]

hey tec; haven't seen todd's extensive suggestions, but what I saw so far....

Edit 1 in progress aided by aptly named todd

I miss the scent of city girls: cold nights, dark streets, fast food, gas lights. ...I was pretty grabbed by the intro; I think the opening is strong. however, why "scent" with "cold nights" and "dark streets?" Something specific would have been nice, like "heater vents"; even "fast food" and "gas" offer more of a connection
I like the girl who wraps herself in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat,..."thick-cloth coat" is wonderful. I debated removing the hyphen; I think thick is strong enough to stand on its own. it's a section I wanted slowed down, not sped up; something thick shouldn't be stumbled over rapidly
that hints of coffee and polluted air and if you  kiss and draw her in ..interesting juxtaposition, coffee and polluted air
her whole day lingers on her breath; milky latte, quickly taken,
emotive  as  a moist, warm breast exposed to chill night breeze....I like the concept of keeping your whole day on your breath

I miss the risk of misconstruance; that slipping, cautious, certain sign..i like the sounds, but felt the line was carried by them a little too heavily
from  one shared  cigarette. You light two and she takes one…...the ellipsis did little for me, which is a shame because i liked the "You light two..."
but she  does not inhale.Open mouthed then lips tight pressed, ...stumbled on grammar/ punctuation. "tightly" maybe? feels like more of an adverb, describing pressed. did you want another comma, maybe after "mouthed"? just curious
white pleasure plumes and fabric permeates. Then you stop, ...nice enjambment
just for one moment; a trick you know so well. ...an idea: how about moving "You draw her close" to this stanza, starting the next with "She lets you..."?

You draw her close. She lets you take  her round the waist. Her hair is in your face
and you  suck deep, draw back then gently place your yearning cigarette between her lips. ...again probably a personal issue, this was a scene that I felt could be sped up a little bit. lots of little details. between the "suck deep" and "draw back", I already get a sense of hesitation
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss.: and while the intimate ...I like the ellipsis with smoke--I think that works well. I may be getting crazy, but I wanted a different letter before the ellipsis, like an s, to reiterate the sense of vanishing that "smoke" has. I tried, for instance, "Before the smoke leaves...." exhalation swirls,
you slip  a hand, an arm, but slowly, under her shalloon shield.
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, and with faintly murmured word,
she lets you in....the "pop" is great

I miss the scent of city girls, that whiff of  baking bread and  fruity Danish spice. ...I didn't need the "fruity"; I think "Danish spice" alone is great
The  city girl  who shares with “others”, a flat above a  bakery, and wakes at four a.m....commas needed?
as up through  loose bare boards comes early  yeast-filled streams that dream her day awake. ...I like the idea here more than the execution. "as up through" is slightly clunky with three consecutive words that don't deliver a lot of physical content. also, watch subject-verb agreement--"comes" to "come"---> that may have led to my some of my issues with the line, though I don't think it captures everything
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room where black and smoking the gas flame lives...played with moving "the gas flame lives" to after "where"
and shares the  grubby, gurgling boiler with  city water ...really like "city water"--in general, and in the piece ; the chemical cologne of  her fresh washed hair.
Her tresses frizz  in the khamsin blast from the turbo-fan, stylising and  instant drying. ...not sure how I feel about them yet, but a lot of participial adjectives and -ings in general

Her deodorant spray ( should  last a day ) will die some time in the afternoon (and then she is mine).  ...the "should last a day" did little for me
She dresses from a wooden chest , lined with paper of  crumbling napthalene blooms,
then quickly paints her daytime face of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised and glossy red.
Each morning she stops at the corner café and picks a croissant, torn open, yet too hot to hold.
Her  coffee arrives, though a little colder, still on its surface she  pursed-lip blows....played with removing the "her" before "coffee"

Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose, joins gladly with the steamy  sweetness; ...the "lack of purpose" felt a little out of place in a poem so full of more exact and precise descriptions
up it goes into her complex cocktail, into her cassolette.
Then you are lost in the city with a city girl.  

Tectak August 2011

it's a style I don't engage in often myself, very heavy with details and adjectives. That being said, I think everything really reinforces the theme, topic, and needs of the piece. I hope at least a few of these suggestions will be of service to you; it was a good read