What the Storm Taught Us (Revision 4)

[Philatone]

hey todd.

liked what I saw in the revision. really quickly

Revised

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch ...I like the past perfect; still feel a bit hesitant about the present tense in the line above--it took me out of the moment. I would like a past simple, but I may be expressing my own wishes too much. something like "Fishermen, who casted nets"

of this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split. ..great
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation....really found this bit interesting

At a word, ...perhaps a bit too picky, but "word" has already made an appearance, and not all that far off (2 stanzas above). if it has to be maintained, it is certainly understandable, but I think there are a number of refreshing ways to convey this concept, unless you really want to focus on the religious nature of it
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still ...I wanted a more refreshing image than "smooth path"

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit. ...great line; I think the flow has improved overall
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

really coming together well I think, although it had a strong base to start from