03-02-2012, 11:10 PM
Ckeo,
Sorry, but I don't have much in the way of positive to say about this. There are just too many problems as far as I'm concerned. So read what follows at your own peril.
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You know, if you would clue the reader that these are the thoughts of a dead man floating face down in water at the very start, and make that clear then you could go forward with whatever you wanted, I mean, what do we know of a dead man. Personally I prefer that approach better than having to spend my time trying to figure what is going on. Plus I have no idea what such phrases mean as "I struggled the edge".
This is ambiguous at best:
"I fear the water reflecting faces" You fear faces that reflect water? -or-
You fear the water, that it will reflect faces? -or- You fear water's ability to reflect faces?
"Serving salinity I lay there" -----"Serving salinity I lay here" As this is in present tense, "here" works better than "there", as to say there one has to be in the narr. form, which when talking about self usually refers to past events.
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There is too much obvious thesaurus thumbing here. Using different words is great, but they have to be consistent with the piece.
Such as "animations of their wake
have long subdued".
Why not simply motion? It is more in keeping with water anyway. Plus you need an article, "the motion".
Subsided is more appropriate than subsided.
So... The motion of their wake has long subsided."
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To me there is just to much beluga to wade through to extract much in the way of meaning. Plus why should I care what a dead man is thinking? This device is sometimes used in prose, with the narrator already dead, and starting at that point and going backwards to tell the story. To me it is a dubious device in prose, but generally in poetry, one does not have the space to make something like that work. So outside of just deciding to tell what a dead man feels, I'm not sure what the point is. Aside from being pure conjecture, there is nothing compelling or insightful in the telling. Alive or dead, there has to be some reason for the reader to connect to the character.
There are also other difficulties with the dead doing things they can't normally do, like opening their eyes. Instead of reading the poem, I become focused on that question.
Dale
Sorry, but I don't have much in the way of positive to say about this. There are just too many problems as far as I'm concerned. So read what follows at your own peril.
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You know, if you would clue the reader that these are the thoughts of a dead man floating face down in water at the very start, and make that clear then you could go forward with whatever you wanted, I mean, what do we know of a dead man. Personally I prefer that approach better than having to spend my time trying to figure what is going on. Plus I have no idea what such phrases mean as "I struggled the edge".
This is ambiguous at best:
"I fear the water reflecting faces" You fear faces that reflect water? -or-
You fear the water, that it will reflect faces? -or- You fear water's ability to reflect faces?
"Serving salinity I lay there" -----"Serving salinity I lay here" As this is in present tense, "here" works better than "there", as to say there one has to be in the narr. form, which when talking about self usually refers to past events.
----------------------------------------------
There is too much obvious thesaurus thumbing here. Using different words is great, but they have to be consistent with the piece.
Such as "animations of their wake
have long subdued".
Why not simply motion? It is more in keeping with water anyway. Plus you need an article, "the motion".
Subsided is more appropriate than subsided.
So... The motion of their wake has long subsided."
--------------------------------------------------------
To me there is just to much beluga to wade through to extract much in the way of meaning. Plus why should I care what a dead man is thinking? This device is sometimes used in prose, with the narrator already dead, and starting at that point and going backwards to tell the story. To me it is a dubious device in prose, but generally in poetry, one does not have the space to make something like that work. So outside of just deciding to tell what a dead man feels, I'm not sure what the point is. Aside from being pure conjecture, there is nothing compelling or insightful in the telling. Alive or dead, there has to be some reason for the reader to connect to the character.
There are also other difficulties with the dead doing things they can't normally do, like opening their eyes. Instead of reading the poem, I become focused on that question.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.