03-02-2012, 12:46 AM
[='ckeo' pid='91400' dateline='1330607907']
[b]The Still I remember, when the sky slipped
through the haze of my slumber and the cerulean
glass exposed from the mist offered reprieve
from heat ablating my skin.as we get no clue from the title (not a bad thing per se) it may be better to begin with something a little more specifically informative. This is an enormously long sentence to plough through for so few potatoes. Can I tentatively suggest less gratuitously urgent hyperbole. You are young and have plenty of time to get all your flowery imagery out in good measure. NOW, this is not a huge criticism but the next bit is. If you are intent on following your "poetic" instincts please do so BUT remember that mortar is as important as bricks. So.....capitalize to anthropomorphise "still" if you must but this reader suggests:
The stillness I remember: then the sky slipped
through the haze of slumber. The cerulean glass,
disrobed by melting mist, offered reprieve
from the skin ablating heat.
"Ablating" is a pretty strong word for a pretty fierce heat. You can get away with it as an expression of intensity but in imagery it is probably just wrong. My opinion, but only because I know what ablation means specifically.
[/b]Serving salinity I lay there, A leather bound lower case for "a" but this is a worthy stanza. Two "un's" are a bit Boris Johnson about which I could not fail to disagree with you less. Try "loose tethered" and then permit yourself the naughty luxury of a nice comma.
trinket unteathered on unrelenting hardness
of driftwood. I closed my eyes back to the
comfort of my dream, no avail.. endless drifting,a little clichéd but not noticed in the glare of grammatical slips. Try
"comfort of my dream. No avail; just endless drifting
on the ocean lapping my vessel."
It is still a weak end line but it is not my poem
I fear the water reflecting faces, legends of
wise men and mercy staining my bones. I long
for human touch, the glow of a fresh lit hearth
[/b]over ice cream sundaes and doe eyes pining in
vain. I ponder the servitude.Look,there is good stuff here but it is a hotchpotch. This stanza squirts out like lumpy toothpaste. You have fallen in love with your emotions and bugger the reader. Legends of wise men? Not THE wise men? Shouldn't they be in the desert. Oh, not those three...who then? The quality of mercy is not strained....nor stained. I do not get this (statement). Now, about this hearth over an ice cream sundae. Help me,please. Look into my pining doe eyes. It needs tidying up,yes?[b]
I struggled the edge, occasionally relenting
to my weight and sometimes I bled. I could smell
the dried crust over my wounds and the fire from
salt washing it away. A deed that would test A
common man, until only an echo remains.
Here.. buoyant and embryotic I drift, shadows
no longer search above, the animations of their wake
have long subdued. With all hope lost as I am,
may my lonliness... be their pain.
** reposted from novice, only change was "leather bound" from "leatherbound"
[/quote]
More to follow if requested. Exhausted.
Best,
Keep writing.
Tectak
[b]The Still I remember, when the sky slipped
through the haze of my slumber and the cerulean
glass exposed from the mist offered reprieve
from heat ablating my skin.as we get no clue from the title (not a bad thing per se) it may be better to begin with something a little more specifically informative. This is an enormously long sentence to plough through for so few potatoes. Can I tentatively suggest less gratuitously urgent hyperbole. You are young and have plenty of time to get all your flowery imagery out in good measure. NOW, this is not a huge criticism but the next bit is. If you are intent on following your "poetic" instincts please do so BUT remember that mortar is as important as bricks. So.....capitalize to anthropomorphise "still" if you must but this reader suggests:
The stillness I remember: then the sky slipped
through the haze of slumber. The cerulean glass,
disrobed by melting mist, offered reprieve
from the skin ablating heat.
"Ablating" is a pretty strong word for a pretty fierce heat. You can get away with it as an expression of intensity but in imagery it is probably just wrong. My opinion, but only because I know what ablation means specifically.
[/b]Serving salinity I lay there, A leather bound lower case for "a" but this is a worthy stanza. Two "un's" are a bit Boris Johnson about which I could not fail to disagree with you less. Try "loose tethered" and then permit yourself the naughty luxury of a nice comma.
trinket unteathered on unrelenting hardness
of driftwood. I closed my eyes back to the
comfort of my dream, no avail.. endless drifting,a little clichéd but not noticed in the glare of grammatical slips. Try
"comfort of my dream. No avail; just endless drifting
on the ocean lapping my vessel."
It is still a weak end line but it is not my poem
I fear the water reflecting faces, legends of
wise men and mercy staining my bones. I long
for human touch, the glow of a fresh lit hearth
[/b]over ice cream sundaes and doe eyes pining in
vain. I ponder the servitude.Look,there is good stuff here but it is a hotchpotch. This stanza squirts out like lumpy toothpaste. You have fallen in love with your emotions and bugger the reader. Legends of wise men? Not THE wise men? Shouldn't they be in the desert. Oh, not those three...who then? The quality of mercy is not strained....nor stained. I do not get this (statement). Now, about this hearth over an ice cream sundae. Help me,please. Look into my pining doe eyes. It needs tidying up,yes?[b]
I struggled the edge, occasionally relenting
to my weight and sometimes I bled. I could smell
the dried crust over my wounds and the fire from
salt washing it away. A deed that would test A
common man, until only an echo remains.
Here.. buoyant and embryotic I drift, shadows
no longer search above, the animations of their wake
have long subdued. With all hope lost as I am,
may my lonliness... be their pain.
** reposted from novice, only change was "leather bound" from "leatherbound"
[/quote]
More to follow if requested. Exhausted.
Best,
Keep writing.
Tectak