What the Storm Taught Us (Revision 4)

[Wildcard]

Hi Todd,

As always you have done a fine job with this poem. I've actually been reading this one since last night. It was/is a great read and the revision is tighter, though I wouldn't have believed. On an aside, this has been a fine example of good critique and an honest and receptive author-- I just hope I don't screw it up :p

For once, I got the message loud and clear. I saw that you removed the carpenter allusion from the revision and I'm actually glad. I say it that way because the first time I read it I connected to it, but it actually had a negative impact on the 'surprise' factor. This way the reader may/may not know three quarters of the way through. jmo

Anyway, . . .

The sky was like the terror of children --[Image: http://rantcentral.hostoi.com/images/smilies/wub.png] I'm a little slow sometimes and so I stayed on this line for way too long just soaking it in. A great way to open. An original choice of words.
left alone.
Our hands knotted --praise, praise, praise. (repeat for the next four lines :p
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch -- I hate to say it, but that is kind of tired sounding. It's been used before, that's all I'm saying . . . no offense.

of this man of words— --considering the subject, I have a personal bias that makes me immediately think 'He was much more than a man of words' If you get my drift . . . it could just be me.
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves --Okay this is a little unclear for me. Should 'longed' be 'hoped' instead?

He fixed the problem and now we want to throw ourselves into the darkness and hide within the storm?

Or

He fixed the problem when had only hoped to throw ourselves into the darkness and hide within the storm?

or something else? It hasn't made a connection for me. 'throw ourselves into the darkness' . . . do you mean that that had longed to die?

into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

I had disconnect somewhere in meaning with the last bit, but as a whole it was like one of those good movies with a little surprise midway. Thanks for sharing, Todd.