Seeds of Holy Things

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

Lovely, evocative work. Here are some comments for you:

Your title is great. When you consider it in light of your first line it presents stars as seeds. Seeds are tranformative which fits with your majik and mystery.

Here are some comments for the lines:

Stars do not destroy themselves--great opening line. I like how many directions this allows you (conservation of energy, the subtle implication that someone/something does destroy stars, the random idea of suicidal stars)
in one burst of fiery gold flame,[b]--adding the idea that it is a gradual destruction
twinkling--a little overused with stars unless you're going for an allusion to the childhood song which in that case would make it fine. You could substitute a lot of other words that give a transient or changeable sense (i.e., oscillating, fading, etc).
to be buried in the hands of God.[/b]--beautiful line. Wonderful image.

Instead--I have a bias against one word lines but as a tranistional word this sort of works. It feels like taking a breath and then moving into more of a rush.
fire fingers creep to the edges like--I love the five fingers giving the sense of the points of a drawn star, with the majik implying a pentegram shape, making a sort of thaumaturgic connection, and going back to the hand of God--the image does a lot of work for you
jars humming with electric karma lottery--the jars conjure up images of tesla coils and a wild sort of science. Would karmic be more correct here? The type of karmic lottery implies an interesting mechanism for justice or reward. I'm sure I'm just floating through the overtones of interpretation but I like how your word choices push me.
for an obsessive compulsive.--This is one of your more interesting lines as it suggests a personal touch. I like the ritualistic sense of OCD. I also like that the camera pans in on this line

The dark face of night is a wild drink--beautiful, beautiful line. The construction makes me think of the dark night of the soul but it's more like a Bacchus celebration. I really like the personification used
of soft precious amber and ripe rose;--nice combination. I especially like the use of ripe as a modifier
sublime magnetism created the--This is so cool in that you introduce more universal forces here's a sublime magnetism that led to a connection implied in the next line. I'm not fond of breaking on "the" it could just be a bias but I would be tempted to break on created. I would hesitate to pull Temple up as I wouldn't want you to have two many "of the" prepositional phrase lines (not that those are bad just considering your line break variety) in the strophe
Temple of the first kiss of love--lovely
with secret incandescent dreaming,--again lovely. There's a nice hazy sense to these lines. I love incandescent. It's like there's some connection of consciousness linking the dreamer going on here.

majik--the white space works for you in both directions. I like the enforced pause.

and the tribe
of silver meadows of the moon.--I don't really understand these lines but they are evocative. Silver meadows on the moon makes me think of the moon as a romantic device. The tribe makes me think of a lost tribe or something representing a lost ideal. It's not that I think that is exactly where you are going it's just the way I'm free-associating.

Thank you for the read. Your word choices elevated the piece and really made me think.

Best,

Todd