The Final Hour

[abu nuwas]

Dare you loving look on one, such as I? I think your problem with question-marks derives from your uncertainty as to what it is you wish to say, or ask. The first line jars with me in any event, because of the needless licence with 'loving'. It might go as the first word, I suppose. Then the remainder of the line (such as I) is plain ungrammatical-it should be me. But even so, 'such as' is wrong: the speaker refers to himself, not a selection of people.
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?


©2012 -Erthona

There is much that is fine here, Dale, but I just realised why I don't do these elaborate crits--I never stop. Is there some reason why you have put ' when I lay', instead of 'lie'? It gives the impression of an incarcerated chicken.

I imagine that this is some special type of Pinocchian sonnet, and Leanne will hold your hand for having the audacity to rhyme 'blessed' with 'flesh'