Infatuation

[Todd]

Hi Royale,

Welcome to the site! It's good to see you posting here. Let me give you some comments:

There are some people on the site that live rhyme and meter who would be able to give you some feedback on smoothing out your lines. I'll make a few comments to that end, but mostly I'd focus on other areas.

Here are some notes for you to consider:

If in love you have ever been,--One of the things that makes rhyme work in a poem is that it shouldn't feel forced. It should fit in the content and the syntax shouldn't be twisted to make the rhyme work. You've got a lot of that going on here. We would normally write: If you have ever been in love. Also, to your end rhyme been: It doesn't rhyme with the other words. It may be spelled similar but it rhymes more with a word like thin.
The loneliness of being you have ever seen,--what does this really mean. I'm not trying to be harsh at all, but the syntax again and the ever seen make this come off as light on content and melodramatic
If to the romantic tales you were at times keen,--"at times" is a bit of a filler phrase to keep your sense of rhythm. Look to cut any filler type phrases and words
Then, pray hear the request of this crazy teen,--pray hear seems a bit overwrought. One other thing to consider is that teen is a modern word and in the next stanza you go archaic with "thy". I would encourage you to stay modern in your usage. Bouncing back and forth unless for comedic effect comes off badly in my opinion

If a tear has ever blurred thy vision,
Time ever crept before the dying season,--this dying season of yours is an interesting phrase. The entire line feels a bit awkward, but if you worked on expanding the content and imagery and ignored rhyme and meter until you pushed those other elements farther this would probably come across stronger. What makes the dying season so interesting is that your title infatuation suggests a quick flare up of emotion that burns out quickly. There are plenty of images that could help add to this idea and make the poem very interesting. To put another way: This type of phrasing and ideas open up a lot of design space for you
Path was lost before reaching destination,--Not a bad line idea either though I think chopping the article off "The Path" makes it sound weird (again simply my opinion)
No reasons ruled the governing situation,
Then, pray feel the essence of my infatuation,--These last two lines especially point to another issue I'm having. I'm supposed to be listening to this crazy teen and these phrases especially in these last two lines don't seem like anything that would be naturally spoken. You know if you think back to something like John Donne's The Flea or a more modern Billy Joel's Only the Good Die Young these types of pleas are always an excuse of one party to convince the other to lower their inhibitions and surrender to lust. There should probably be a more driving intensity behind expressing "the essence of my infatuation"

Ever if you have found yourselves lost, --again consider fixing the syntax
To the life's fantasies ever caught,--a little too abstract with life's fantasies. It feels too distant for something that's supposed to draw someone in
Lived to die in a moments applause ,
But then seized for the times cause,
Think do then about this lone dweller--again more of the same......[/font]

I'm sorry I couldn't be more supportive of this poem. I think you have a few moments that might suggest workable revisions. I would suggest again to focus on content and imagery and then see if there is a natural way to move into a consistent rhyme and meter.

Thanks for posting. I hope some of that will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd