02-22-2012, 12:59 AM
A rhyme pattern of abcc, abdd, abee. Iambic* hexameter in Stanza 1. Stanzas 2 and 3 bounces between 7 and 8 foot lines. This is not too disruptive until stanza 3, at which point the inconsistent line becomes obviously disruptive. Consistent enjambment from the 1st to the 2nd lines in each stanza. Nice alliteration with "liquid lexicon". One very odd spot in S2L3 "You turn and turn and turn awake" seems a bit excessive. S3L1 has an extra syllable and is rhythmically awkward. The last line ends awkwardly "and chokes until day break", significantly weakening the poem.
As ungainly as the third stanza is, it would be better to leave it off entirely, and end with S2L4 which is a fairly nice ending, especially as the third stanza does not add anything new, and basically only restates what has been said already. This would have been a much stronger poem had the pattern established in stanza 1 been kept throughout. I think the difficulty of maintaining the rhyme pattern caused a loss of focus and allowed inconsistencies to creep into the poem.
There are some very nice parts to the poem, and with attention to consistency in form, this could be turned into a strong piece.
Dale
*with some trochee slipping in and out.
As ungainly as the third stanza is, it would be better to leave it off entirely, and end with S2L4 which is a fairly nice ending, especially as the third stanza does not add anything new, and basically only restates what has been said already. This would have been a much stronger poem had the pattern established in stanza 1 been kept throughout. I think the difficulty of maintaining the rhyme pattern caused a loss of focus and allowed inconsistencies to creep into the poem.
There are some very nice parts to the poem, and with attention to consistency in form, this could be turned into a strong piece.
Dale
*with some trochee slipping in and out.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.