02-21-2012, 09:38 AM
As this is a humorous piece the foot count per line is not all that critical, however it does weaken the poem to some degree. There are some nice rhymes, such as "purloined" and "conjoined", but there are also some cliche phrases such as "I lost myself in a sea of you" even though the following line adds a nice twist.
It is a bit disruptive that it jumps from mainly an iambic line, to lines that are for the most part arrhythmical. Idiosyncratic word choices such as in L2 "oh, muse that so inflames my loins," instead of "oh muse you so...", or phrases such as "my thrilling ache" further devalue the overall effect, and give it an ad hoc, or gratuitous quality at times in order to make the rhyme, rather than the rhyme being a natural extension of the line.
For some reason this puts me in mind of Benedict's assessment of Hero.
"Why, i' faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too
brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise."
That is to say there is just enough wrong with this poem to keep it from being memorable, but with a little work it could enter the realm of decent.
Dale
below I listed the number of feet/accents per line.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, great temptress, burning light, 4
oh, muse that so inflames my loins, 4
what quandary raised, what plight 3
ensued when we forever joined? 4
I lost myself in a sea of you, 4
as if my id had been purloined 4
by some intoxicating brew to 4
make our paths become conjoined. 4
Oh tigress, queen of deepest night, 4
magnetic North, my thrilling ache, 4
what selflessness your heart invites. 4
You are the habit I'll never break. 4
Like heroin, a trembling need alights. 5
It shocks my every molecule awake, 5
burns every synapse it excites. 4
You are absinthe, and I partake. 5
For this, there should be recompense, 4
some gilded romance, not this fear, 4
not this blinded mirror, evidence 5
of selfness lost to one so cavalier. 5
You bend me to your iron will 4
with rules to which I must adhere, 4
but as of now, I've had my fill, 4
signed, your darling
mutineer. 4
It is a bit disruptive that it jumps from mainly an iambic line, to lines that are for the most part arrhythmical. Idiosyncratic word choices such as in L2 "oh, muse that so inflames my loins," instead of "oh muse you so...", or phrases such as "my thrilling ache" further devalue the overall effect, and give it an ad hoc, or gratuitous quality at times in order to make the rhyme, rather than the rhyme being a natural extension of the line.
For some reason this puts me in mind of Benedict's assessment of Hero.
"Why, i' faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too
brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise."
That is to say there is just enough wrong with this poem to keep it from being memorable, but with a little work it could enter the realm of decent.
Dale
below I listed the number of feet/accents per line.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, great temptress, burning light, 4
oh, muse that so inflames my loins, 4
what quandary raised, what plight 3
ensued when we forever joined? 4
I lost myself in a sea of you, 4
as if my id had been purloined 4
by some intoxicating brew to 4
make our paths become conjoined. 4
Oh tigress, queen of deepest night, 4
magnetic North, my thrilling ache, 4
what selflessness your heart invites. 4
You are the habit I'll never break. 4
Like heroin, a trembling need alights. 5
It shocks my every molecule awake, 5
burns every synapse it excites. 4
You are absinthe, and I partake. 5
For this, there should be recompense, 4
some gilded romance, not this fear, 4
not this blinded mirror, evidence 5
of selfness lost to one so cavalier. 5
You bend me to your iron will 4
with rules to which I must adhere, 4
but as of now, I've had my fill, 4
signed, your darling
mutineer. 4
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.