The Final Hour

[Philatone]

hello dale; some quick thoughts

Dare you loving look on one, such as I?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will. ...would have liked to have seen a word besides "enter" again
Is there hope then for that final hour? ...love the "that" to create emotional distance
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?...I think the wording could be adjusted slightly to be read a little more smoothly (e.g., moving "then" to after "me", though it may detract from the tone you've established, so I would understand a justification for it.
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land? ....what a question to close on!


©2012 -Erthona

in general, I wasn't sure if you needed all of your caesurae/ punctuation (e.g., the question mark at the end of line 1; after "words" in L2.); there were many more cases, to the point where it just seemed too intentional to question all of them.

I wasn't expecting so many questions; it really does affect the tone and imparts a nervousness of sorts to the speaker (fitting for the topic, as one approaches death); I think a more decisive counterpart to the piece that uses more statements/ stronger language and tones would be interesting to see.

really like the voltas used; overall, a great read I enjoyed