Unclichéd Valentine

[tectak]

some quick thoughts, tec

Unclichéd Valentine
I lie awake, dream on my love. Boiling in me, fizzing salts; ...part of me thought the second half of the line made for a stronger opening (it's a great image); I wanted the first half of the line somewhere else in the stanza, because I think it's fitting considering the topic, but I think it best serves as a complement to the stanza, rather than its starting remarks
Inflate my world with pressured joy. Stay in my thoughts.
The font endowed by me for you? Verdana, love in bold and blue. ...really liked this close

Yet love, my love, my twenty point, never backspaced though you've faults.
Aspartamed, my waking space is. Artificial some may say. For you I fought
And won this right, to choose the typeface. Now I shall make verse of you....enjoyed this stanza

No cliché will the judges see; fresh words will endlessly exalt.
On Turkish linen, in papyrus, words in black phenolic ink. I have bought
For you to gaze on, a Valentine with love renewed. ..."renewed" takes on so much weight for the piece and concept, great word choice

Tectak
Valentine's day.
2012

comments few and far between, but I hope they find you well
Many thanks for your comments. I do believe you have a valid point in S1 but I tried to nail the awakeness at the start. Lying awake is invariably due to a physical discomfort, and your imagination can fill in the details..or a mental state of some anguish. Our man is in love with love and so is prompted to voice his thoughts as a release......release: the expulsion of substance under pressure, the collapse of an anguished state into equilibrium. So, he lies awake and this is why.
I will still try a reversal. It may open up a new train of thought. This is probably too short a piece to establish intent and so the title is absolutely necessary......it is a pain to write under a self-imposed restriction,I.e. no clichés in this case, and the longer it gets the harder it gets. Make something out of that oh ye critics of critics
Best,
Tectak