Once In a While Meltdown

[billy]

no red writing see;

can we remember this isn't the serious critique forum, it's the mild critique forum....not that mark would mind i know, but we do get an odd newb in here that wouldn't understand such full critique, thanks guys/billy

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erthona;
i'm struggling to understand why i can't lose my mind in the bedroom, i've lost my mind in pubs and places god would never speak of. is't it a given that she's gone crazy in the bedroom. i do realise i'm on a sticky wicket here

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unclear offense i'm wondering in an an would help us keep on?
as if it mattered now
the mortified little bunny watched for me watched could do better on the next line.
a nervous predator
lose her mind into the bedroom
behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

i think the edit improves the piece and thats what an edit's for.
after spending more time on the poem and edit, i have to say it feel like it's lacking something. i suppose feeling or melodrama are two words i can use as an example. the impression i get is of child whose probably been sent to bed. if so i'd like a bit more depth.
always good to see editing (something i'll be doing more of when i get home)