02-12-2012, 04:36 PM
TT,
I like it. It is nice and bitter and cynical.
Also, I concur with Leanne on all she said except on,
"This way and that careering blind on dirt tracks"
didn't really cause me any problems when I read it, although technically half a foot long. Probably because I read "dirt tracks" as though it were one word, which is generally the way it is spoken here, so Leanne may have a point.
Plus, I assume you meant "careering" not "careening" as a play on words?
However I do have a problem with the same thing in the line
"I shall not wake lest I should fall with envy"
but as I gave a pass on the first one, I can hardly object here (of course I will
).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are problematic lines for me.
Administering blasé, useless balm? Seems as though it needs a syllable between "blasé" and "useless".
In amniotic sheets I hide from living. "amniotic" in terms of meaning is an excellent word choice, it does not exactly roll off of ones tongue.
"No soul required, hence no soul to save." Causes a slight stutter step on "soul", so maybe.
"No soul required, hence there's no soul to save."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Form wise, it is a pain reading when you cap every damn line, after all this isn't a sonnet.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"(an irritant to erthona)" that's Erthona. ...and, no it doesn't. In fact I would like if it were one word, just like dirt-road, which should also be a compound word, and only isn't because it looks funny, to wit, "dirtroad". People would start pronouncing it
der troad, the past tense of der trod
----------------------------------------------------------------
I do think your title would be better as just "The Sleeping Philanthropist".
All in all, a very solid effort.
Dale
I like it. It is nice and bitter and cynical.
Also, I concur with Leanne on all she said except on,
"This way and that careering blind on dirt tracks"
didn't really cause me any problems when I read it, although technically half a foot long. Probably because I read "dirt tracks" as though it were one word, which is generally the way it is spoken here, so Leanne may have a point.
Plus, I assume you meant "careering" not "careening" as a play on words?
However I do have a problem with the same thing in the line
"I shall not wake lest I should fall with envy"
but as I gave a pass on the first one, I can hardly object here (of course I will
).-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are problematic lines for me.
Administering blasé, useless balm? Seems as though it needs a syllable between "blasé" and "useless".
In amniotic sheets I hide from living. "amniotic" in terms of meaning is an excellent word choice, it does not exactly roll off of ones tongue.
"No soul required, hence no soul to save." Causes a slight stutter step on "soul", so maybe.
"No soul required, hence there's no soul to save."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Form wise, it is a pain reading when you cap every damn line, after all this isn't a sonnet.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"(an irritant to erthona)" that's Erthona. ...and, no it doesn't. In fact I would like if it were one word, just like dirt-road, which should also be a compound word, and only isn't because it looks funny, to wit, "dirtroad". People would start pronouncing it
der troad, the past tense of der trod
----------------------------------------------------------------
I do think your title would be better as just "The Sleeping Philanthropist".
All in all, a very solid effort.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.