Once In a While Meltdown

[tectak]

unclear offense Unclear opener with not enough continuance to get help from context.
as if it mattered now it matters now and will matter more and more. Could you insert a little line of clarification?
the mortified little bunny watched and thisisn't it
a nervous predator
lose her mind into the bedroom Ok I am now lost, too. Go to end
behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

I will never say that there is no merit in esoteric verse. It appeals immensely to many of a similar persuasion...BUT...and I am more than happy to be alone on this, it can too easily become a repository for over simplistic thought transfer. It is as though the writer is so confident in his/her muse that it is the reader's inabilty to "latch on" which makes criticism seem mean spirited. I got a bit of a come uppance from billy for suggesting that some verse should be subject to a re-write....this is, of course, implying that it deserves a second chance. As a critic and a writer I bin more than I bother others with.....you will never know the extent of my Waste!
I am therefore in a good and bad place with this one. If I had written it I would probably have re-written it......that is to say,I would give it a second chance.
Specifically and generally....I meant that....try some punctuation. It is not a disease to be eradicated.
Best,
Tectak

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

---

unclear offense Unclear opener with not enough continuance to get help from context.
as if it mattered now it matters now and will matter more and more. Could you insert a little line of clarification?
the mortified little bunny watched and thisisn't it
a nervous predator

PHP Code:

lose her mind into the bedroom 


Ok I am now lost, too. Go to end
behind the dark oak

PHP Code:

and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me 


I will never say that there is no merit in esoteric verse. It appeals immensely to many of a similar persuasion...BUT...and I am more than happy to be alone on this, it can too easily become a repository for over simplistic thought transfer. It is as though the writer is so confident in his/her muse that it is the reader's inabilty to "latch on" which makes criticism seem mean spirited. I got a bit of a come uppance from billy for suggesting that some verse should be subject to a re-write....this is, of course, implying that it deserves a second chance. As a critic and a writer I bin more than I bother others with.....you will never know the extent of my Waste!
I am therefore in a good and bad place with this one. If I had written it I would probably have re-written it......that is to say,I would give it a second chance.
Specifically and generally....I meant that....try some punctuation. It is not a disease to be eradicated.
Best,
Tectak

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me