The Love Song of Burke and Wills

[Leanne]

underfoot, the desert whispered
now I stir, now I strike --I appreciate the repetition here, but wonder if it would be better as 'I stir and I strike'
like yesterday

I think it needs "now" -- time is quite important in this, or maybe that's just in my head But I will consider putting "and" instead of the comma, because I think the less punctuation the better. You know how I love that punctuation stuff... well, removing it sometimes makes another statement entirely.

gone past --like the beginning of the end. Does this slow it down enough? Does it need an ellipsis?

Same thing about punctuation... and I only use ellipses (usually incorrectly and too much) when I'm writing comments/messages :p. I want the breaks to call the pace. I might think about an extra bit of white space there though.

--loved this line. You make rigor mortis sound elegant.

You mean it's not normally elegant?

Around the sixth stanza I got lost but caught back up (I think) at seven. When I read it aloud the last stanza is superb. You make-a me jealous!

Don't go getting lost now, it's a desert out there.

Thanks Mark, much appreciated.

---

Nicely 'metaphored' poem.

Especially liked:

     God said
     I am in your head
     cut it off
     cut it out
     come to me

I love the idea that believing in a god(s) requires not only delirium,
but the lack of a brain as well. Well, ok, that interpretation is a bit out of context for the poem; but as a reader, I cling to my 'write'to read extraneously.

Shh, who would suggest such a thing?! Blind faith is a little bit like setting off into the desert without any proper preparation and expecting to make it the whole way across a continent...

Many thanks for stopping by, Ray.