An interesting day when I was seventy-two

[tectak]

Hey TT,

A slight plea. If you are going to insist on these insanely long lined things, please do not cap the start of the next line unless it is the start of a sentence. Danka!
Danka? You bloody Americans changing the rules of the game! The capitalization is,though, a lost cause. We Brits in our failed prose still hang on to our beloved old habits past the point of sensibility. The americans have won this one and I am going to have to straighten up and fly right.
This is an excellent line:

"The coffee we ordered is spiteful."

However it makes the following somewhat redundant, or obsolete as it really needs no explication.

"Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity.
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence."

Plus I feel you left that in because, 1. you are verbose, and 2. you couldn't let go of they're "glass tomb" phrase.
1)Yes but no. A metaphorical cameo thought. This is how the old boy felt pricked by the similarity to his life...in his own tomb,buzzing with unvoiced bitter thoughts,always feeling the need to "be sweet" outwardly. Also deliberate is sugared necessity. The coffee is bitter and will necessarily require sugar. It is not yet sweetened.
2) See (1) but I am pushing it!

Maybe keep one phrase:

"The coffee we ordered is spiteful, made to taste better by added sweetness."
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"Two more coffees, please."

This was initially unclear as to who was saying this. Maybe We say, "Two more coffees, please."
-Agreed though context will reveal.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a line...way down there somewhere (I refuse to count that high), you say "We do not look". Maybe in keeping with the spirit of the poem you should write,

"We look, but we do not look." See?
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This reminds me of Philip Larkin, and as his lines run like:

"Once I am sure there's nothing going on
I step inside, letting the door thud shut.
Another church: matting, seats, and stone,
And little books; sprawlings of flowers, cut"

Maybe you could consider reducing your line lenght slightly, such as :


"We're looking at each other, sitting here beside the big window.
Here, we can watch the outside people churning and flying around.
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us behind its thick,
safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better by added sweetness."
Yes to all this except to last bit as explained.
You might want to consider some editing, possibly dropping the perfect tense.
To me it seems cumbersome and does not really enhance the poem
(although I am sure there are those who will disagree,
and as it is purely a matter of personal taste I can not argue ).
You can maintain the same terse quality without it. Example:

"We look at each other as we sit beside the big window.
We watch the people outside churning and flying around.
(a pithy metaphor would not be inappropriate, maybe something about unstrung kites, or the like)
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us, we sit safely
behind its thick glass wall: we look out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better
by the added sweetness of the difficult to obtain, 'sugar'."
(Thus emphasizing the role of 'sugar' in the drama that will shortly ensue)
-----Perfect tense is my salvation but you are quite correct I can only repeat my old mantra...I am not happy when it is me telling the story. The duality of "we" goes some way to nullifying the stress of first person and this makes perfect sense!-------------------------------------------------------
Hardly inspired critiquing I'll admit, but the best I've got at the moment.

Cheers,

Dale

Thanks as always...changes will follow if I can find out how to Edit!