Little Gangsta:

[Erthona]

Billy,

Sorry I haven't critiqued this sooner, but I've been somewhat low on energy, well, more so than usual

A nice little romp, although reads more as prose, like a scene in a short story.
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Problematic parts:

"All of them threatening
like yellowed teeth
in a monster's maw."

Mainly the lineation. Probably would work better as an unbroken line, or at least the last two:

All of them threatening like
yellowed teeth in a monster's maw.

It creates a bit of a disconnect when you have

"All of them threatening"

which could be a final clause on the previous thought, instead of the beginning of a new one. Something like

"There were all sorts of hooligans, fat, thin, short, tall
all of them threatening."

Because it is not obviously attached to the following lines, it causes a pause in the reading to figure out if it is pointing
fore or aft.

Most people would probably not even be aware of that, but even if it occurs on an unconscious level it is still disruptive to the reading. After the big and obvious stuff like grammar, form, word choice and usage, spelling and so on are dealt with, this is the next major level of impact on a poem, and such things can take what could be a great poem and turn it into a so-so poem, although must people will not be able to explain why.

I think on the whole I would use a somewhat longer line, as what you are using seems ad hoc, and doesn't really enhance the reading in any way I can see. You are not writing in staccato or terse phrases, nor does it seem dialectical. I think going with natural breaks would better than trying to create cuteness by artificial enjambment, and other such devices, as this is natural speech and should follow that pattern. Usually dialogue should be set apart, Maybe italicized as well.

Example:


"I exercised the old bones and crawled to the corner shop today,
the entrance was full of little arse-biting twelve year olds.
Scruffy cunts all, and cheeky with it.

'Give us a fag you fat cunt.'

'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'

All of them threatening like the yellowed teeth in a monster's maw."


Something like that.
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Maybe want to use quote marks and capitalize the nick name so it is less confusing.

The penknife "Hot-Lips" pulled out
made me cautiously chuckle

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"worm head" possibly "Hot-Lips, now acting as the head of the worm"

So:

then wriggled out when I left.

'Oy you! you fucker?'

Hot-Lips, now acting as the head of the worm shouted.
Turning I asked,

'What?'

'ave you gotta light please?'

he begged.
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Probably need to identify the antagonist a little earlier, so the reader knows who "Little Mister Pissy" is, like:

a pissy looking teenage boy yelled,

"'Give us a fiver you old goaty bastard.'"


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You probably need to give up the non capping of your "I".

You could also use a little work on writing the dialect. If the speaker is from the same locale, he will also drop his "h". Are you sure "oy", usually written as "oye" is correct, and not "aye" as in hay, but with the "h" dropped? Probably doesn't pronounce "you" as "you". More likely "ya".

Just guessing, based on what you have written, but something like:

"Giv'us ah fivah ya'ole goady bastid."

I figure the "h" and the "r" are generally dropped. Most things starting with a "g" get compressed somehow, and "t" changes to "d".



Dale