02-07-2012, 05:34 AM
Hey TT,
A slight plea. If you are going to insist on these insanely long lined things, please do not cap the start of the next line unless it is the start of a sentence. Danka!
This is an excellent line:
"The coffee we ordered is spiteful."
However it makes the following somewhat redundant, or obsolete as it really needs no explication.
"Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity.
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence."
Plus I feel you left that in because, 1. you are verbose, and 2. you couldn't let go of the "glass tomb" phrase.
Maybe keep one phrase:
"The coffee we ordered is spiteful, made to taste better by added sweetness."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Two more coffees, please."
This was initially unclear as to who was saying this. Maybe We say, "Two more coffees, please."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a line...way down there somewhere (I refuse to count that high), you say "We do not look". Maybe in keeping with the spirit of the poem you should write,
"We look, but we do not look."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of Philip Larkin, and as his lines run like:
"Once I am sure there's nothing going on
I step inside, letting the door thud shut.
Another church: matting, seats, and stone,
And little books; sprawlings of flowers, cut"
Maybe you could consider reducing your line lenght slightly, such as :
"We're looking at each other, sitting here beside the big window.
Here, we can watch the outside people churning and flying around.
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us behind its thick,
safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better by added sweetness."
You might want to consider some editing, possibly dropping the perfect tense.
To me it seems cumbersome and does not really enhance the poem
(although I am sure there are those who will disagree,
and as it is purely a matter of personal taste I can not argue ).
You can maintain the same terse quality without it. Example:
"We look at each other as we sit beside the big window.
We watch the people outside churning and flying around.
(a pithy metaphor would not be inappropriate, maybe something about unstrung kites, or the like)
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us, we sit safely
behind its thick glass wall: we look out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better
by the added sweetness of the difficult to obtain, 'sugar'."
(Thus emphasizing the role of 'sugar' in the drama that will shortly ensue)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hardly inspired critiquing I'll admit, but the best I've got at the moment.
Cheers,
Dale
A slight plea. If you are going to insist on these insanely long lined things, please do not cap the start of the next line unless it is the start of a sentence. Danka!
This is an excellent line:
"The coffee we ordered is spiteful."
However it makes the following somewhat redundant, or obsolete as it really needs no explication.
"Its taste irritates me. It has spent too long
In its own glass tomb, reduced to a black buzz of caffeine and sugared necessity.
Sugared. Made to taste better by added sweetness; hiding the bitter essence."
Plus I feel you left that in because, 1. you are verbose, and 2. you couldn't let go of the "glass tomb" phrase.
Maybe keep one phrase:
"The coffee we ordered is spiteful, made to taste better by added sweetness."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Two more coffees, please."
This was initially unclear as to who was saying this. Maybe We say, "Two more coffees, please."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a line...way down there somewhere (I refuse to count that high), you say "We do not look". Maybe in keeping with the spirit of the poem you should write,
"We look, but we do not look."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This reminds me of Philip Larkin, and as his lines run like:
"Once I am sure there's nothing going on
I step inside, letting the door thud shut.
Another church: matting, seats, and stone,
And little books; sprawlings of flowers, cut"
Maybe you could consider reducing your line lenght slightly, such as :
"We're looking at each other, sitting here beside the big window.
Here, we can watch the outside people churning and flying around.
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us behind its thick,
safe glass wall; we are looking out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better by added sweetness."
You might want to consider some editing, possibly dropping the perfect tense.
To me it seems cumbersome and does not really enhance the poem
(although I am sure there are those who will disagree,
and as it is purely a matter of personal taste I can not argue ).
You can maintain the same terse quality without it. Example:
"We look at each other as we sit beside the big window.
We watch the people outside churning and flying around.
(a pithy metaphor would not be inappropriate, maybe something about unstrung kites, or the like)
We are in a box that surrounds and protects us, we sit safely
behind its thick glass wall: we look out at those looking in.
The coffee we ordered is spiteful: made to taste better
by the added sweetness of the difficult to obtain, 'sugar'."
(Thus emphasizing the role of 'sugar' in the drama that will shortly ensue)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hardly inspired critiquing I'll admit, but the best I've got at the moment.
Cheers,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.