02-06-2012, 04:26 AM
hello Universalchild
it is nice to see this poem. just some thoughts:
the meter tripped me up on several lines (5, 7) though it may just be how i'm reading it at the moment. could all be fine, but another check never hurts
regarding content:
it's a dramatic piece, with some beautiful lines interwoven ("glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace"). that being said, I'm not sure if all of the poem is needed. I think, with some adjustments, you could trim the first 4 lines and start with the "violated garden", which is an interesting and refreshing idea to start with.
my last idea for now would be to find a way to avoid all those end-commas and periods; it would actually aid the rhymes and flow if you kept lines flowing from one to the next without having stop on a rhyme every time.
hope these are helpful!
it is nice to see this poem. just some thoughts:
the meter tripped me up on several lines (5, 7) though it may just be how i'm reading it at the moment. could all be fine, but another check never hurts
regarding content:
it's a dramatic piece, with some beautiful lines interwoven ("glitter on the cobwebs like the liquid on the lace"). that being said, I'm not sure if all of the poem is needed. I think, with some adjustments, you could trim the first 4 lines and start with the "violated garden", which is an interesting and refreshing idea to start with.
my last idea for now would be to find a way to avoid all those end-commas and periods; it would actually aid the rhymes and flow if you kept lines flowing from one to the next without having stop on a rhyme every time.
hope these are helpful!
Written only for you to consider.