Sorrow for the Stars

[Erthona]

This is a decent lost love poem. The idea is fresh although it touches on well traveled ground. The weak points are primarily those of execution and not content, a large portion of which could be taken care of with some judicious editing as Todd suggested. Some specific things I would look at is taking out the line "Now, I just wish they would go away", as you cover that in the poem, it seems redundant as well as distracting. The second to last stanza says nothing new or better than has already been implied, the last stanza is a wrap up that is probably not needed.

This stanza would make a good ending

"I don't want the light of the moon
To be my guide any longer
I wish night would drape over me
Like black silk over
A gypsy's shew stone"

Maybe with a few tweaks where the speaker takes a slightly more forceful stance, such as

Instead of "I wish night would drape over me"

"I want the night to drape over me"

and then something along the lines (not a suggestion, just an example)

like a heavy brocade curtain
cutting off their light and smothering my pain.

Following along that line implies a symbolic burying which I think would fit quite naturally with the grief expressed here, and is already implied with what you have written, which could easily be taken as wanting to die, and very much in line with how one feels in such a situation: symbolic death being the natural conclusion of this sort of loss.


Dale