-From “The Fall of Sons of Sirion” Canto II

[billy]

IV

The high god Enki, a great construct made, to fulfill his pledge, fulfil, feels like one comma too many
it ran along his holy house, the ends stood edge to edge.
"Create for us a man, who will be less sorrow than his worth,
a man who thinks, and builds, and plans, and procreates by birth," i'm taking this as a juxtaposition to genesis. i like that the Sumerian is used for the creation of man because it was the seat of civilisation (a big I think)
Proclaimed thus Wise Aun(Ah-oon), over all Manifested is he, i like 'manifested' for more than one level
"bring the earth from all this world, and over every sea,
mix these earths with blood of all the gods, let Enihil then hold, i though Enihil was a female?
to the divine raise up his mind, thus in him spring the soul." it's probably me but i'm confused as whose mind, and in who spring the soul
Many years of preparation in his sacred place conceive,
many minute alteration did he make to the breed,
The great god Enki, Ea, here from the beginning of the plan,
the bridge of Men, over two hundred millennia spans. were we around 200 thousand year ago and does the Latin millennia work considering the context?

The sands of traits the great god Ea from volcanoes would expel,
mutations small and great the breed transform and to impel,
to completion, till the time El brought the plan to fruition, the evolution here makes some sense of the 200, 000 years. but now it feels as though the 200,000 years aren't long enough.
when he usurped Enki and denied his contributions.
Thus was the clay ripen over two hundred millennia
a deception kept from below, by the God above.
and thus did El use his brother as but a tool,
then the entire council divine did know that Enki was made the fool, the sounds feel really good in this and the above line.
all because of lack of trust of one sibling to another,
and thus did Enki feel betrayed by his elder brother.
For there is never hate so deep as that that’s based in love
it was thus, this that turned Enki’s eyes away from El above. i'm getting a feelling of god and satan , good and bad etc. and i'm sure i'm supposed to.

A truer hate was never bred, or gestated there a part,
As that which on the waters did brood, hidden in Enki’s heart,
What had been pure devotion to his brother above,
Now turned to blackest poison from this core of love.
This core of deep suspicion was now inherent in every man,
No peace would he find, till this wound he did bind, and always be wandering. this translates really well to my god satan comment above (for me)
Yet El would’ve healed this wound, so to his brother gave,
The ninety-four great decrees for Enki thus to save.
Thus Enki took this power great, but tainted it with doubt,
And suspiciously did man receive when he gave it out.
And thus was wisdom turned evil, and mired deep in sin,
Greed, pride, and suspicion, were as equals, and folded in. i can see the garden along with adam and eve here (rightly or wrongly on my part)

And thus adulteration, was welded to the purest gold,
No longer pure, no longer good, with pride was bought and sold.
Thus does man lust for knowledge, for power within the holy tree,
Then turns his back, for fear of sin, away from divine decree.
And so has it ever been, since Adam first put a foot on this earth,
The deepest fear of betrayal has ever been with man since his birth.
And thus would Cain kill Abel, from the moment that Eve did conceive,
Thus the fear and jealousy, would bar the way and lead,
Brother set against brother, and arose the suspicion of fathers and mothers,
Always to the veneer of pride, an excuse for theft and murder,
Thus the betrayal of Enki, then gave birth to suspicion in man,
Thus murder and theft, pain and death have seemed the only plan.

from my last comment to here the beginnings in the christian sense is evident, the transition from the non christian flowed smoothly (if that what it was )

The form for this is syllabic, it is to be in alternating lines of 15 and 14 syllables with rhyming couplets. Although this is the model, it is not rigidly held to in the later verses. Dale

© ~Erthona

of all the verse the last one (not the lude) is my favourite. it moves faster and with more clarity (unless i screwed up hehe) than any of the other verse. it was sonically rather good. and had a sing song quality.
i know my feedback isn't good or professional but i enjoyed getting out of my depth
thanks for an overall excellent experience.