-From “The Fall of Sons of Sirion” Canto II

[billy]

sorry for being a long time in getting back

PROLOGUE

II

Pre-ordained synthesis brazed; here in primeval clay is found, found feels a little forced though a good opening to the verse.
God in man, quintessence was joined, and thus in kinship bound.
Womb, o’er eons then did ripen; child of God thus begotten,
Climacteric blood, sacrosanct sign, not forgotten.personally i'm not into biblical speak, i do think you use it well though and i do realize a poem of this title with this content needs it, in that respect i think it done well
Ages antecedent, tacit man broods on this unctuous world.
Unconsciously awaiting the one the stars it’s said, did hurl. 'did' for me doesn't work. i do love the unintended vomit (hurl) unless it was intended.
Rebellious alliance, of spirit and blood gestating still,
contesting without, and within the goddess Ennihil. i googled ennihill to no avail, i'm presuming she has something to do with birth.
Ennihil the midwives of creation, the ones who would fall, now i def think she has
Unseen hand, predestined plan, gain the whole, would risk the all. the extened fate 'is/exists' works well.
These unwilling ones did witness, and the hidden one of four,
For her mankind was yoked, the son et lumiere bore.. the the son of light?
Summon then the ancient muses: open then the oft-fooled mind,
let us sere the story’s truth, which no one may unbind.
Replace factual history, or so it has been perceived,
with this story, authentic fiction, that does not deceive. the juxtaposition is sharp as it should be
On stage, on this world placed was the beloved bastard child of God,
whose many lives, to birth and die, his feet this ground has trod.
So listen man, this is your story, listen with heart and ear,
a story half full, for the end is not yet drawing near.
Omnipotence reached out, and on this stage put this weakling man,
his champion be in God’s place man will make the final stand. i faltered at the beginning, would it read better as 'his champion in God’s place be'
This gambit which could not be lost, risked more than petty nations,
it would risk the toppling of eternity’s foundations. a good closing, i like how gambit allows for some chance, as opposed to the pre-ordination earlier spoke off

III

This love of the three externals such would risk oblivion,
though a story of the gods, pages turn in hearts of man.
Turn the page then back to Eden, she is the connecting node,
gods holy city, though none in her make it their abode,
faintly earth reflects the heavens, they both share the selfsame hymn,
for in heaven she’s the same, she they call Jerusalem. i think these 5 open lines are perfect. though i wondered if a a comma is needed after 'externals' on the first lines?
It has been a mystery that man from Eden was thus tossed,
and would agree the most in all, this was the greatest loss,
How our father Adam, doing that which came most naturally, 'doing that which came most naturally' feels a bit cliché and out of context, plus, wasn't adam, coerced and eve decieved(i think)
should God from this garden banish for curiosity?
The truth, a child remembers only what a child remembers,
as Iron Pyrite is gold, his memories but pretenders,
at face value it cannot be wholly taken, or believed,
to view such as this as whole cloth, one will be deceived. i like the way you explain it but it feels a bit obvious to me, i do like the use of cloth in the context of encompassing a whole
Children in ignorance and innocence will for years be,
such was it with our father Adam, as a child was he.
The story he told, was garbled, as from a child’s point of view,
on to this world, this earth, he walked, his eyes were as brand new.
While in Eden his form was pure, in perfection was he garbed,
unaware was he of the wild and untamed world at large,
and those who walked upon it the same in form yet not in mind,
for like animals these all were, and to the self were blind.good insight
In form he and they the same, as a brother to each and all,
unaware he knew them not, behind Eden’s arching walls.
& called he thus two great trees, one of knowledge and one of life,
according to the first of us, this was what caused all our strife,
she, his lovely mate, by a beautiful serpent was deceived,
and did eat, as did he, the fall caused by this woman Eve.
Cast out by God, say they, into this world, Eden did grieve.
but they remembered, only what was given, and this mistook,
and thus the story written down, and all on earth partook.
Yet, not by guile they did deceive, nor in lies did they conceive,
still, false the story told, as how from Eden they did leave.
Millennia on millennia, twenty thousand years,
this story was retold, although nonsensical and queer.
Lies when learned as truth, are difficult to leave, and truth receive, i love this lines sonics
for the ancient enemy and friend, friend and enemy,
although are two, it is now then difficult to separate,
one from the other, they are brothers, and man, one does hate!
The other, he, man does cherish, though the other did create,
if the choice were his, he would have chosen to abate.
So, that the father does hate his child, and mankind that child is,
but the one who did not create, regards us as though his!
Mankind thus then was adopted by the non-creator god,
and if his brother had his choice, would he on mankind trod.
Thus has confusion, for millenniums, fallen as though rain,
confusing brothers two, as though were one and the same.

the flow in the last part of the stanza feels to be a steady stream, where as at the beginning it feels a little more turbulent. i was thrown with the brother analogy at the end, because of my upbringing i've always thought of god's counterpart as a fallen angel. that could just be me doing a wrong interpretation of your meanings. again these are just my opinions and suggestions for you look over.

will try and give feedback to the rest in a few days.

IV

The high god Enki, a great construct made, to fulfill his pledge,
it ran along his holy house, the ends stood edge to edge.
"Create for us a man, who will be less sorrow than his worth,
a man who thinks, and builds, and plans, and procreates by birth,"
Proclaimed thus Wise Aun(Ah-oon), over all Manifested is he,
"bring the earth from all this world, and over every sea,
mix these earths with blood of all the gods, let Enihil then hold,
to the divine raise up his mind, thus in him spring the soul."
Many years of preparation in his sacred place conceive,
many minute alteration did he make to the breed,
The great god Enki, Ea, here from the beginning of the plan,
the bridge of Men, over two hundred millennia spans.

The sands of traits the great god Ea from volcanoes would expel,
mutations small and great the breed transform and to impel,
to completion, till the time El brought the plan to fruition,
when he usurped Enki and denied his contributions.
Thus was the clay ripen over two hundred millennia
a deception kept from below, by the God above.
and thus did El use his brother as but a tool,
then the entire council divine did know that Enki was made the fool,
all because of lack of trust of one sibling to another,
and thus did Enki feel betrayed by his elder brother.
For there is never hate so deep as that that’s based in love
it was thus, this that turned Enki’s eyes away from El above.

A truer hate was never bred, or gestated there a part,
As that which on the waters did brood, hidden in Enki’s heart,
What had been pure devotion to his brother above,
Now turned to blackest poison from this core of love.
This core of deep suspicion was now inherent in every man,
No peace would he find, till this wound he did bind, and always be wandering.
Yet El would’ve healed this wound, so to his brother gave,
The ninety-four great decrees for Enki thus to save.
Thus Enki took this power great, but tainted it with doubt,
And suspiciously did man receive when he gave it out.
And thus was wisdom turned evil, and mired deep in sin,
Greed, pride, and suspicion, were as equals, and folded in.

And thus adulteration, was welded to the purest gold,
No longer pure, no longer good, with pride was bought and sold.
Thus does man lust for knowledge, for power within the holy tree,
Then turns his back, for fear of sin, away from divine decree.
And so has it ever been, since Adam first put a foot on this earth,
The deepest fear of betrayal has ever been with man since his birth.
And thus would Cain kill Abel, from the moment that Eve did conceive,
Thus the fear and jealousy, would bar the way and lead,
Brother set against brother, and arose the suspicion of fathers and mothers,
Always to the veneer of pride, an excuse for theft and murder,
Thus the betrayal of Enki, then gave birth to suspicion in man,
Thus murder and theft, pain and death have seemed the only plan.

The form for this is syllabic, it is to be in alternating lines of 15 and 14 syllables with rhyming couplets. Although this is the model, it is not rigidly held to in the later verses. Dale
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Postlude
(from the end section of Canto II )

The Land of Nod (Song of Enoch)

Once the parent, mistook for God,
where our mothers before had trod,
little hands went reaching up,
to find some solace there.

But no solace in this land,
which lacks for spirit, thus is bland,
where soul and body have been parted,
and claim but desolation.

Reunite the tortured halves,
return the cow now to her calves,
then in the warmth of loving arms,
we will rest and sleep.

For the oft’ divided land,
births the tiger, not the lamb,
and harvest not the golden grain,
nor finds her consolation.

© ~Erthona