Arrayed

[Philatone]

hey just some rapid comments

Like Milton, the truth of all time I might aspire to pen,
that the Muse might let it flow from some place here within,
but looking outward I find it’s always the easiest to see,
yet when I turn within it’s dark, I find no truth in me. ..so far, I am with everything I've read. this line did strike me as a little forced
Error, like a lustful bitch her brood quickly whelp,
and so battle as I might, I can’t o’er come myself...maybe just me, but the lexical choices here really switch tones dramatically and in too short a span. going from a more modern "lustful bitch" to the time-honored and romantic sounding "o'er come myself" caught me off-guard.
Through a glass darkly am I condemned to view,
dull gray shades only, never the multi-colored hues. ...again, felt forced. What multi-colored hues? this could be elaborated. I understand what you're saying, but the idea feels incomplete to me
How long must my vision be cursed with these cataracts, ...oOo that's a challenge word to end on, rhythmically and just by its nature
seeking Truth yet finding only, mundane worthless facts? . i would switch the comma to after "mundane". could be bolstered by, again, elaboration on your idea. what kinds of facts?
I grope with benumb hands, through these cruel razored tomes,
what crime did I commit that in this way I must atone? ...this line feels like the biggest victim of the rhyme scheme
When all my blood has seeped away, into this hateful book, need the first comma?
will that have bought me one chance at unvarnished truth to look?
Or will I die unknowing, only to come back once again,...played with making this a period instead
I pray not as a poet, but as an ordinary man. ...i'm jealous of the close


©2012 ~Erthona

16 lines of accentual heptameter with rhyming couplets

my first reaction is to wonder what the meter does for you. excuse me if I overstep my bounds, but the only merit I found for it in this piece was to create a poem that meets the requirements. for something that is tackling true depth (the "truth of all time"), so many ideas are left hanging without explanation.

Personally, I think a version of this in a different form (iambic pentameter, free verse, even a villanelle to get at that cyclical nature of understanding) would be more interesting. I like your word choice and, outside of one line, found it wonderfully consistent. The ideas are here; personally, I wasn't satisfied with the execution though