01-13-2012, 10:02 AM
Phil,
Thanks for the critique. I agree with most of what you said. On the points I don't I will clarify, and if you don't think that makes sense you can let me know.
..structurally, with the "when" of the first line, I'm not sure you need the "then from" in this line,
yes, it is a bit of filler to smooth the line rhythmically.
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..hmmm...I understand the intention, but I couldn't help but wonder if it were crucial
not crucial, but it helps to create a sense of depth, especially as this is a personification of two feelings. It also helps with they're weightiness when compared with the real people who come to see him.
I guess I would call it a dramatic device, as it helps to introduce what are i.e., non characters as characters, and play them off as being more real than his visitors, this also helps to make his visitors (the humans) seem less substantial by comparison.
...the "fire" again?
Well this is playing off the Prometheus myth, and that he gave fire to humans...
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"not sure how useful all of this will be. I found some lines a bit more dramatic and drawn-out then necessary, but perhaps it was done to truly imitate how the speaker would express himself."
One can nearly always find me being over the top at times, and it is important to keepin time with the character, so I will read back over it with that in mind.
Thanks again,
Dale
Thanks for the critique. I agree with most of what you said. On the points I don't I will clarify, and if you don't think that makes sense you can let me know.
..structurally, with the "when" of the first line, I'm not sure you need the "then from" in this line,
yes, it is a bit of filler to smooth the line rhythmically.
--------------------------------------------------------
..hmmm...I understand the intention, but I couldn't help but wonder if it were crucial
not crucial, but it helps to create a sense of depth, especially as this is a personification of two feelings. It also helps with they're weightiness when compared with the real people who come to see him.
I guess I would call it a dramatic device, as it helps to introduce what are i.e., non characters as characters, and play them off as being more real than his visitors, this also helps to make his visitors (the humans) seem less substantial by comparison.
...the "fire" again?
Well this is playing off the Prometheus myth, and that he gave fire to humans...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"not sure how useful all of this will be. I found some lines a bit more dramatic and drawn-out then necessary, but perhaps it was done to truly imitate how the speaker would express himself."
One can nearly always find me being over the top at times, and it is important to keepin time with the character, so I will read back over it with that in mind.
Thanks again,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.