01-13-2012, 09:46 AM
hey mark! I haven't read the other revisions/ editions/ originals 
that being said, i'm going to look at the latest version you have going
in finishing, I wanted to go from this with one strong, strong image that I could really walk away with. I didn't get that. I think it's good to end something like this on a whimper (the last two lines make an effective close for the topic), but perhaps it could start with a bigger hammer or have a bit more substance/length. with the quick lines and only 3 stanzas, it gets easier to cruise through this
that being said, i'm going to look at the latest version you have goingQuote:Revision 3
Daughter of lust claim me.
I expire in you
and breathe in your cloud
of jet black pain ...I think the opening is good. the "pain" felt to me as though it was both yours and this other's...
Pressing me down into a hole,
shovel in hand--
I dig you
down. ..Personally, I got a little caught up in who does the "pressing"; you? the other force?
Not drowning, worshiping the water I inhale . . ....wasn't sure what the ellipsis adds
I inhale you
and exhale all of me, ..like these two lines
but still you leave me
weaker than before.
in finishing, I wanted to go from this with one strong, strong image that I could really walk away with. I didn't get that. I think it's good to end something like this on a whimper (the last two lines make an effective close for the topic), but perhaps it could start with a bigger hammer or have a bit more substance/length. with the quick lines and only 3 stanzas, it gets easier to cruise through this
Written only for you to consider.