01-13-2012, 08:38 AM
Dale thanks for the feedback. I think you really made some great points and I'll admit I do have a sort of 'tune' in mind when I read this. I will try to eliminate that from my future readings.
You mentioned obsessions being referred to as women commonly. Does this weaken my poem and make it cliche? Should I search for another comparison entirely? The reason I chose to make it a her is because in my fantasy(that's how I come up with this shit) I see this in female form, but maybe that's just because subliminally that's in my head from all the hippie music I've listened to.
As far as keeping a consistent rhythm, I have tried to understand meter but I'm obviously not there yet. Thanks again for all your help. Your being a musician is undoubtedly helping you to see where my shortcomings stem from.
You mentioned obsessions being referred to as women commonly. Does this weaken my poem and make it cliche? Should I search for another comparison entirely? The reason I chose to make it a her is because in my fantasy(that's how I come up with this shit) I see this in female form, but maybe that's just because subliminally that's in my head from all the hippie music I've listened to.
As far as keeping a consistent rhythm, I have tried to understand meter but I'm obviously not there yet. Thanks again for all your help. Your being a musician is undoubtedly helping you to see where my shortcomings stem from.