01-13-2012, 05:08 AM
Daughter of lust, trochee, iambic
claiming me now, trochee, iambic
visions draped in misery. dactyl (in)dactyl
That's the pattern if scanned in meter, except you change the last line in stanzas 3 & 4 to straight iambs
too soon, she's gone from me again.
But you are not writing this as meter, you are writing it like you would song lyrics, which is why it has a triplet feel to it, especially the first two lines of each stanza.
When you write lyrics, you have much more flexibility in that the words do not have to conform exactly to the same notes as the last verse. You can break a quarter note into two eight notes to accommodate a word that has two syllable instead of one.
It is true you do break the pattern in the last two stanzas, in the third line, but it is the same difference in both 3 & 4.
Todd has a valid point, since you set up such a rigid pattern in the first two stanzas, one tends to expect it in the third, and when it changes, it can be disruptive.
The difference between poetry and music is, poetry uses the stressed syllable as the marker, and music uses the lenght of the note to denote what should be stressed or not, regardless if it is a stressed syllable. In music an unstressed syllable can be stressed by pairing it with a half note.
This probably seems to work just fine to you, because I bet you have a beat or even music (in your head) going as you're reading this, and it conforms perfectly with that. But poems are based on syllable stress (well most forms are) not note lenght.
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In terms of the content, I like this version better, as it is more consistent, and you stick with the basic metaphor of personifying the obsession as a woman. I'm not sold on the image you use in the 4th stanza. I'm not sure what
"Drifting in spirals
skyward so bravely,"
have to do with losing the high, especially "bravely".
"Drifting in spirals skyward"
might work if you were talking about smoking it, but bump would seem to indicate otherwise. However, I look back and see you used inhaled before so maybe you are. It can be, it's just not a common...route... to use.
This is similar to the imagery used in "Hey Jude" but of course that was not about drug use (wink, wink).
Let her out and let her in.
Let her into your heart.
Let her under your skin.
Addiction as woman or woman as addiction is a fairly common vehicle, especially in song lyrics, more so than in poetry.
Lucinda Williams wrote a song called "Essence" that was a you're my drug song, that this kind of reminds me of, although they are the inverse of each other, it has a similar feel.
"Baby, sweet baby, whisper my name
Shoot your love into my vein"
Anyway, I think you've made a lot of progress just over the rewrites of this poem.
Dale
claiming me now, trochee, iambic
visions draped in misery. dactyl (in)dactyl
That's the pattern if scanned in meter, except you change the last line in stanzas 3 & 4 to straight iambs
too soon, she's gone from me again.
But you are not writing this as meter, you are writing it like you would song lyrics, which is why it has a triplet feel to it, especially the first two lines of each stanza.
When you write lyrics, you have much more flexibility in that the words do not have to conform exactly to the same notes as the last verse. You can break a quarter note into two eight notes to accommodate a word that has two syllable instead of one.
It is true you do break the pattern in the last two stanzas, in the third line, but it is the same difference in both 3 & 4.
Todd has a valid point, since you set up such a rigid pattern in the first two stanzas, one tends to expect it in the third, and when it changes, it can be disruptive.
The difference between poetry and music is, poetry uses the stressed syllable as the marker, and music uses the lenght of the note to denote what should be stressed or not, regardless if it is a stressed syllable. In music an unstressed syllable can be stressed by pairing it with a half note.
This probably seems to work just fine to you, because I bet you have a beat or even music (in your head) going as you're reading this, and it conforms perfectly with that. But poems are based on syllable stress (well most forms are) not note lenght.
-----------------------------------------------------
In terms of the content, I like this version better, as it is more consistent, and you stick with the basic metaphor of personifying the obsession as a woman. I'm not sold on the image you use in the 4th stanza. I'm not sure what
"Drifting in spirals
skyward so bravely,"
have to do with losing the high, especially "bravely".
"Drifting in spirals skyward"
might work if you were talking about smoking it, but bump would seem to indicate otherwise. However, I look back and see you used inhaled before so maybe you are. It can be, it's just not a common...route... to use.
This is similar to the imagery used in "Hey Jude" but of course that was not about drug use (wink, wink).
Let her out and let her in.
Let her into your heart.
Let her under your skin.
Addiction as woman or woman as addiction is a fairly common vehicle, especially in song lyrics, more so than in poetry.
Lucinda Williams wrote a song called "Essence" that was a you're my drug song, that this kind of reminds me of, although they are the inverse of each other, it has a similar feel.
"Baby, sweet baby, whisper my name
Shoot your love into my vein"
Anyway, I think you've made a lot of progress just over the rewrites of this poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.