01-11-2012, 10:26 AM
Ditto Billy.
The third and fifth verses breaks the rhyme pattern.
"i hear them so loud" - generally it would not be said this way, making this seem forced.
Maybe something like:
"i stand in a crowd change "the" to "a" this is a general, not a specific crowd
they're talking so loud
they don't hear me"
The third verse seems as though it is trying to echo the first with the parallel between
they don't hear me
they don't see me
If you are going to do that, it probably needs to happen in the 2nd verse, and mimic the same pattern. Like
I walk with the crowd, "the" is OK here as it indicates a generic "crowd", like "the in crowd"
they're looking about
but they don't see me.
I agree with Billy, the last verse is very poignant, easily the best in the poem.
Dale
The third and fifth verses breaks the rhyme pattern.
"i hear them so loud" - generally it would not be said this way, making this seem forced.
Maybe something like:
"i stand in a crowd change "the" to "a" this is a general, not a specific crowd
they're talking so loud
they don't hear me"
The third verse seems as though it is trying to echo the first with the parallel between
they don't hear me
they don't see me
If you are going to do that, it probably needs to happen in the 2nd verse, and mimic the same pattern. Like
I walk with the crowd, "the" is OK here as it indicates a generic "crowd", like "the in crowd"
they're looking about
but they don't see me.
I agree with Billy, the last verse is very poignant, easily the best in the poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.