Askew

[billy]

Revision 10/01/12

Sometimes I tilt my head to the side
and cross-eyed, try to imagine your view
through that close woven canvas you wear
as your gray-shadowed sleeve

I can’t find the itch that straddles my back,
though I seek it in your blank stare
and scratch with the barbs that ride barbs reads better
upon your tepid breath

I know the blood has been freed from my skin is 'i know needed'
by the footprints you leave with my shoes is 'the' needed
as you waltz carefree into the cave
to drink from the Lethe once more

I stand before the mirror and you
try to suture my skin to my bloodied clothes,
not realising that it is not wholeness I desire,
but fragmented honesty is this line needed, for me it feels tacked on

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier like this,
with my eyes pleasantly scaled and dark is 'with my' needed
and no questing blades to score my flesh
with lines not parallel like yours

but I don’t think I can breathe
underground



Original version

Sometimes I tilt my head to the side
and cross-eyed, try to imagine your view
through that close woven canvas you wear
as your gray-shadowed sleeve

I can’t find the itch that straddles my back,
though I seek it with your blank stare
and scratch with the fangs that ride
upon your tepid breath

I know the blood has been freed from my skin
by the footprints you leave with my shoes
as you waltz carefree into the cave
to drink from the Lethe once more

I stand before the mirror and you, knives sheathed,
try to suture my skin to my bloodied clothes,
not realising that it is not wholeness I desire,
but fragmented honesty

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier like this,
with my eyes pleasantly scaled and dark
and no questing blades to score my flesh
with lines not parallel like yours

but I don’t think I can breathe
underground

not much of an edit but the revision for me is better. i found it to carry a bit of baggage that took away from the piece. in the 1st stabza i'm at odds as to how to view the sleeve, is it carried dick dastardly like in front of his eyes?

some of the 'I's' i think could be done away with. i was unsure of the use of the lethe at first but after a few reads i think it works, it adds a certain persona to the other person. it reads well. the last line "underground" didn't add anything for me, lethe was reference enough to the underground/world. i think the penultimate line would be a great finish, it would leave me on the edge. jmo

as always, thanks for the read