12-31-2011, 08:04 AM
This verse is very evocative of dear old Ted, who irritated me no end yet always meant well and was beloved, the grumpy old sod.
For the most part I'm quite happy with the meter, but I find it fails in L10, a beat too short -- I'm not too sure what to offer as a suggestion unless it's something like "the passage between here and there". (Though I was thinking, when reading it, that perhaps Ted would have chosen "betwixt"
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I do love your use of "rime", so very appropriate in all its meanings, and your final four lines in particular are very poignant.
For the most part I'm quite happy with the meter, but I find it fails in L10, a beat too short -- I'm not too sure what to offer as a suggestion unless it's something like "the passage between here and there". (Though I was thinking, when reading it, that perhaps Ted would have chosen "betwixt"
)I do love your use of "rime", so very appropriate in all its meanings, and your final four lines in particular are very poignant.
It could be worse