Excavation Point

[Todd]

Mark,

It's not that I want you to tell rather than show. It's that I think you the author have an emotional subtext that you probably think the readers are connecting with, and in my case I'm not. I want you to try to bring more of the subtext to the surface.

As far as conceit goes Mark don't be embarrassed we all pick these terms up as we go. A poetic conceit is an extended metaphor or framework that the poem hangs upon (like clothing in a closet). So this burying is a conceit. That's all I meant by it. John Donne's The Flea is a famous example.

Your first question last: not longer, not necessarily more precise wording--though probably. I want to connect with the poem emotionally not simply intellectually. I'm not sure I'm making sense. Sorry if I'm being confusing.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Todd:

Are you suggesting a longer poem or just more precise wording?

Your last two strophes have some promise. The only issue I have with the piece is it feels like I'm ice skating on a pond and am unable to get below the surface. I want to connect with the emotional intensity that the speaker needs to bury.

The distance robs the piece of power that I'm sure is there. What's the scar, the old scent, the last memory? It may just be me Mark, but I think being able to draw closer would give this more bite.

I'm confused a little . . . am I supposed to 'tell' here? I am trying to understand the difference between telling and showing. I thought that by comparing the excavation of earth I was relaying without telling Help!

Your language is interesting. I like the conceit of the poem. There's good stuff here to build on.

What do you mean by conceit, Todd? I'm sorry for being thick.


Aish:

Everything you pointed out makes perfect sense. I don't care if it's unoriginal to do so: I am using all of your suggestions.