Hi Mark,
I haven't read the thread so I apologize if I'm going over previous comments. As you've got this in novice I'm going to stay away from a line-by-line. Here's my general comment:
Your last two strophes have some promise. The only issue I have with the piece is it feels like I'm ice skating on a pond and am unable to get below the surface. I want to connect with the emotional intensity that the speaker needs to bury.
The distance robs the piece of power that I'm sure is there. What's the scar, the old scent, the last memory? It may just be me Mark, but I think being able to draw closer would give this more bite.
Your language is interesting. I like the conceit of the poem. There's good stuff here to build on.
I hope some of that will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
I haven't read the thread so I apologize if I'm going over previous comments. As you've got this in novice I'm going to stay away from a line-by-line. Here's my general comment:
Your last two strophes have some promise. The only issue I have with the piece is it feels like I'm ice skating on a pond and am unable to get below the surface. I want to connect with the emotional intensity that the speaker needs to bury.
The distance robs the piece of power that I'm sure is there. What's the scar, the old scent, the last memory? It may just be me Mark, but I think being able to draw closer would give this more bite.
Your language is interesting. I like the conceit of the poem. There's good stuff here to build on.
I hope some of that will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
(12-27-2011, 05:26 AM)Mark Wrote: Revised:
Biting into terra firma
with galvanized teeth.
tasting frozen roots and tubers
in this place-
the last memory
that makes sense.
unceremonious dumping seems wrong-
a notion best to avoid.
dried emotions and brittle bones
litter a fresh cavity
and an old scent
pervades
O
soon lichen will hide the scar
an attempt to misremember
the only place
that she could've gone
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson