12-29-2011, 04:22 PM
Loved it as soon as I read it. It is what I try to tell myself when envy raises its ugly head....I look at huge yachts moored on the quay in sunny places, and decided 'I bet they're awfully hard work, there is all that keel cleaning, and deck-swabbing and all the hassle of paying the harbour bills, and employing staff, and the bind of deciding where to store them through the winter...not forgetting the choppy seas and sea-sickness....but, I suspect that I am only kidding myself.
I particularly liked -
a photograph of sand
hauling in blue waves,
casting out again
as a throng of beach umbrellas
and swimsuits watched. (loved it, loved it, loved it)
This next bit I am leaving in, even though it is utter rubbish! I am saying exactly how the poem arrived in my head.....but, the fault is entirely mine. I never seem to take in the title of poems, perhaps it is caused by my eagerness to read the poem itself. And 'Bus Ad' didn't actually get through to me....since in the UK we tend to say 'Bus Advert'.
but that isn't much of an excuse.
I'm sure that a tiny bit of tweaking wouldn't go amiss in parts, for example the use of the word 'talk' at the beginning. As I continued to read part of my mind was trying to decide if you had a Jamaican girlfriend, or if there was some old Jamaican guy on the bus talking to himself but that is a minor quibble. I kind of missed the word 'photograph' and I imagined the following phrase to be a day-dream creation, and even the 'whispering' still didn't do it for me. Re-reads brought me clarity, though so I'm happy with it just as it it.
I particularly liked -
a photograph of sand
hauling in blue waves,
casting out again
as a throng of beach umbrellas
and swimsuits watched. (loved it, loved it, loved it)
This next bit I am leaving in, even though it is utter rubbish! I am saying exactly how the poem arrived in my head.....but, the fault is entirely mine. I never seem to take in the title of poems, perhaps it is caused by my eagerness to read the poem itself. And 'Bus Ad' didn't actually get through to me....since in the UK we tend to say 'Bus Advert'.
but that isn't much of an excuse.
I'm sure that a tiny bit of tweaking wouldn't go amiss in parts, for example the use of the word 'talk' at the beginning. As I continued to read part of my mind was trying to decide if you had a Jamaican girlfriend, or if there was some old Jamaican guy on the bus talking to himself but that is a minor quibble. I kind of missed the word 'photograph' and I imagined the following phrase to be a day-dream creation, and even the 'whispering' still didn't do it for me. Re-reads brought me clarity, though so I'm happy with it just as it it.