12-29-2011, 03:53 PM
Yeah, this has a nice easy-smooth feel to it, I almost feel like I am in a corona commercial.
Stanza 3 didn't make too much sense to me. I mean I think I get what you meant to say, but I'm not sure you said it.
I like the idea in Stanzas 7&8, and in fact would have liked to see that expanded. I found the way stanza 8 hooked into 7 a bit disjointed, as I clearly got the pilot chained, but the "guiding his scan of the rows." through me off a bit, causing me to have to back up and try and figure out what you were saying. I am wondering if you meant to use scan in an ambiguous way? If you did I think you may want to reconsider.
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It is very Larkin-esk. I didn't initially like Larkin, and then I found out he was a misogynist!
NO, actually the stuff I've read I have like, it has a nice sardonic tone to it. I haven't read much as you generally have to buy a book to read it, and if I had money I wouldn't waste it on books, I'd use it for something much more exciting like paying my electric bill. Ah! it's the perennial question, food-electric, food-electric?
Stanza 3 didn't make too much sense to me. I mean I think I get what you meant to say, but I'm not sure you said it.
I like the idea in Stanzas 7&8, and in fact would have liked to see that expanded. I found the way stanza 8 hooked into 7 a bit disjointed, as I clearly got the pilot chained, but the "guiding his scan of the rows." through me off a bit, causing me to have to back up and try and figure out what you were saying. I am wondering if you meant to use scan in an ambiguous way? If you did I think you may want to reconsider.
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It is very Larkin-esk. I didn't initially like Larkin, and then I found out he was a misogynist!
NO, actually the stuff I've read I have like, it has a nice sardonic tone to it. I haven't read much as you generally have to buy a book to read it, and if I had money I wouldn't waste it on books, I'd use it for something much more exciting like paying my electric bill. Ah! it's the perennial question, food-electric, food-electric?
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.