Taxi Dancer

[Philatone]

hey man
these are my thoughts that came to mind as I read

You must be a taxi dancer, ..I really like the opening. I think it sets the scene. I can really imagine a guy walking up to someone and saying it
you’re cab, it looks so fine, ...is "you're" the spelling you want?"
do you remember the good old days,
when I could ride you for only a dime? ..the "only" disrupted the rhythm for me. adds two syllables too many
It doesn’t matter, cause now I’m broke,
but could you spare some sweet charity,
for old times sake,
and spend a free dance on me?

..as I read this first stanza, I think a consistent meter may actually help things. I felt that I was groping for longer lines, or shorter ones conversely, as I read. A set meter could also reinforce the "dance" theme. Glancing over the rest of the poem, a meter would certainly fit the remainder of the piece. If that doesn't suit you, I think the first two lines have a meter that is slightly too regular (iambic); disrupting it a bit could serve the rest of the stanza. just a thought
I’m not much to look at,
got two left feet,
I’m afraid of tight places,...I liked this line, yet...
I’m too mild and meek. ...this struck me as forced. rather than those adjectives, is there a scene or image you could prove them with?
But I know that you could help me,
if you just let me ride you awhile,
and let me pretend it’s before the crash, ...liked "before the crash"; establishes so much.
when I still had cash and style.

So what do you say,
a little ride for free?
Come on sweet mama and “spend……..
a little time with me!” [Image: http://pigpenpoetry.com/images/icons/music.gif]

©2011 ~Erthona

just some quick thoughts I had; hope something useful can come of them