12-28-2011, 04:26 PM
Mark, thank you for the preliminary kindness.
Leanne, I look forward to any other thoughts elicited from this piece.
Philatone, I took your suggestion with the spacing in S6 and am pleased with the outcome. The somewhat unwieldy periods in the first 3 lines are an attempt to relay the idea of fully stopping, perhaps even biting ones tongue between words. I am not sure how to eliminate the vagueness in S7 - it is meant as an expressed thought process, where the person is literally talking about the sweetness of being near that death, then shaking their head and correcting themselves. I look forward to any other thoughts you have.
For now I will keep the remainder to myself. Thanks again, to each of you.
Leanne, I look forward to any other thoughts elicited from this piece.
Philatone, I took your suggestion with the spacing in S6 and am pleased with the outcome. The somewhat unwieldy periods in the first 3 lines are an attempt to relay the idea of fully stopping, perhaps even biting ones tongue between words. I am not sure how to eliminate the vagueness in S7 - it is meant as an expressed thought process, where the person is literally talking about the sweetness of being near that death, then shaking their head and correcting themselves. I look forward to any other thoughts you have.
For now I will keep the remainder to myself. Thanks again, to each of you.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?