Muted

[Philatone]

hello aish. I haven't reached many conclusions, but wanted to share at least my thought process so far.

I can't. ..think it's a strong opening. debating how much you need the periods for these first three lines at the moment; the spacing might give you enough of a break on its own

Keep my hands.

Off the wound.

Pick
pick
pickpickpickpickpick ..very visual; sound and repetition really capture the sense and furiosity

jigsawed and vexed....this is another case where you have multiple tools reiterating similar points; not sure if you need both of these words. I especially like "jigsawed." I do like the cadence of the line and understand if you prefer both.

I can't forget
the babyness of your face
the sparkle of mischief
and the sweetness of being near ...really strong last two lines
your death.

..thought about playing with the spacing here to imitate your introduction. something along the lines of:

I can't

forget
the babyness of your face
the sparkle of mischief
and the sweetness of being near
your death.

No, that's wrong. .."that" is vague; the death? the babyness? leaning towards the former
It was life in the springtime

before you crawled into the soft center ..this "before" really interests me in setting up the time..
of nothingness where I couldn't follow .."nothingness" isn't my favorite word you've used in the piece
and

amputated the silkworm umbilicus. ..i'm taking "silkworm" as more describing shape

Precision, for once. ..not sure how I feel about this line yet. I may need more readings, but now it doesn't seem to be giving me a whole lot besides a remark.

Hushed ...really liked this

as I admire the brutal
artistry
of your synaptic pyrotechnics. ..clever phrasing

Unable to congratulate you,
I am a white banded mockingbird
undermining the doctrine of transmutation. ...linking "mockingbird" and transmutation is wonderful! it can lead to so many possibilities. making the mockingbird white is also interesting. it adds a religious flavor in some contexts, what with symbols for the Holy Spirit and such (not to mention transubstantiation).

the religious nature of the close I probed at I think draws away from your intention. the wound from the beginning seems to me to be these memories you cannot release. the poem is filled with subtle contradictions- "babyness", "sweetness", and "death"; "mockingbirds," which deceive; "transmutation" even the speaker bouncing between time. I admit I still need more time with the close; just wanted to share what I had until now