12-28-2011, 05:33 AM
(12-27-2011, 05:26 AM)Mark Wrote: biting into the terra firma, Is 'the' really necessary? As a defining article I find it kind of distracting, it would be different if you had something like the terra firma of Alabama. You have no capitalization present in the poem, and although many poets employ such a method I personally find it tediously novitiate.
tasting the frozen roots and tubers Once again, I feel 'the' is a little clunky.
with galvanized teeth I really like 'galvanized teeth'. It presents an impression of acceptance, and along with your roots and tubers makes me think of a cathartic process, whereby the protagonist is intentionally masticating and digesting their past experiences (i.e. the buried/protected imagery). I do feel you need some punctuation after this line.
this place
is the last place
no other memory makes sense anymore I appreciate the sentiment in these three lines, however I think a separate strophe for them is in order. 'Anymore' disrupts your cadence and is an unnecessary adverb.
dumping my favorite in a hole This line deepens my impression of the above imagery.
seems so wrong
in this place Punctuation.
the first place
to avoid
in a few years it will all be over A little clunky.
requisition a new best
and try to misremember this place I like 'misremember', it alludes to a painful process, and the emotional burial at hand.
the only place
that she could go The final strophe is tied in well to the opening, although I think you could work on it for better affect.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?

