12-27-2011, 11:20 PM
Stealing a suggestion from a critique Todd did of one of my poems....could you consider losing
'All of a sudden'?
I am running from where I am, towards the end of my line
I realise that I am quickly
approaching that demarcation of what can be known
(to me - the short line seems to indicate something happening abruptly... or am I being fanciful? and the 'unexpectedly' from a few lines above seems to show it is 'all of a sudden'
I'm pondering on whether 'feeble eye dims' would work better than 'feeble eyes dim' giving an extra dimension, since this speaks of a mental eye as well as a physical one....but, I suspect I am being particularly picky for no good reason!
'becoming aware - even as awareness fades -' is a very chilling phrase.
I hope this is not autobiographical!
'All of a sudden'?
I am running from where I am, towards the end of my line
I realise that I am quickly
approaching that demarcation of what can be known
(to me - the short line seems to indicate something happening abruptly... or am I being fanciful? and the 'unexpectedly' from a few lines above seems to show it is 'all of a sudden'
I'm pondering on whether 'feeble eye dims' would work better than 'feeble eyes dim' giving an extra dimension, since this speaks of a mental eye as well as a physical one....but, I suspect I am being particularly picky for no good reason!
'becoming aware - even as awareness fades -' is a very chilling phrase.
I hope this is not autobiographical!