12-24-2011, 09:10 AM
GJ,
This is a nice word painting. There are places that I could use more description. The tomato sauce seems a tad generic. Below are most suggestions for purposes of rhythm or alliteration, sometimes both. Purely personal, I think I would put the song last, it just seems disruptive where it is, but then again, I am not a fan of it, so.... However, except for the last line, most of these are stylistic choices, and may, or may not be better than what you have.
Dale
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No sea-front, no vista, no view
the buildings crouch
behind monolithic cubes ("colossal cubes" Monolithic throws off the rhythm)
seeking shelter from bullying seas. (strong-arm seas) Personally I like searching seas, but I put strong-arm seas because it is most like bullying.
(these two lines seem as though
they should be reversed)
Gnarled cottages with rooms to let,
guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs.
"Guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs,
Gnarled cottages with rooms to be let."
Tatty souvenir shops and penny arcades
sad caffs with ersatz tomato sauce
and melamine tables bolted to the floors.
Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants
with scribbled menus taped to their doors.
(Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants:
scribbled menus taped to their doors.)
'Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again
Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again'.
Edges of childhood. Bucket'n'spade days. (Sand castle days)
Cut-price holidays, out of season.
Empty promenade, discarded chip-papers (Maybe need an article "An")
screaming seagulls and deserted beaches,
walking in the dismal drizzle of the rain.
(Who is it that is walking in the rain?)
or
Edges of childhood, sand castle days,
out of season here on cut-price holidays.
Empty promenades, discarded chip-papers,
seagulls screaming along deserted beaches.
(I'm?/ They're?) walking in the dismal drizzle of rain.
(Personally, I would stay in third person here)
This is a nice word painting. There are places that I could use more description. The tomato sauce seems a tad generic. Below are most suggestions for purposes of rhythm or alliteration, sometimes both. Purely personal, I think I would put the song last, it just seems disruptive where it is, but then again, I am not a fan of it, so.... However, except for the last line, most of these are stylistic choices, and may, or may not be better than what you have.
Dale
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
No sea-front, no vista, no view
the buildings crouch
behind monolithic cubes ("colossal cubes" Monolithic throws off the rhythm)
seeking shelter from bullying seas. (strong-arm seas) Personally I like searching seas, but I put strong-arm seas because it is most like bullying.
(these two lines seem as though
they should be reversed)
Gnarled cottages with rooms to let,
guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs.
"Guest houses with 'Vacancy' signs,
Gnarled cottages with rooms to be let."
Tatty souvenir shops and penny arcades
sad caffs with ersatz tomato sauce
and melamine tables bolted to the floors.
Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants
with scribbled menus taped to their doors.
(Blinking neon fish and chip restaurants:
scribbled menus taped to their doors.)
'Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again
Let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again'.
Edges of childhood. Bucket'n'spade days. (Sand castle days)
Cut-price holidays, out of season.
Empty promenade, discarded chip-papers (Maybe need an article "An")
screaming seagulls and deserted beaches,
walking in the dismal drizzle of the rain.
(Who is it that is walking in the rain?)
or
Edges of childhood, sand castle days,
out of season here on cut-price holidays.
Empty promenades, discarded chip-papers,
seagulls screaming along deserted beaches.
(I'm?/ They're?) walking in the dismal drizzle of rain.
(Personally, I would stay in third person here)
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.