12-23-2011, 03:41 AM
(12-23-2011, 02:36 AM)grannyjill Wrote: I'm going to annoy you now. I liked the mateyness of the phrase which fitted perfectly into your harangue at the sun. You spoke to him in the way I often speak to the weather (only I'm a sun lover) 'For god's sake, can't you find someone else to rain on? What have I done to deserve this? Go and annoy someone else for a change. etc. etc. Your average Joe does speak in cliches and you've caught this beautifully.This is not at all annoying. In fact, it's a relief as that was what I was trying for. Due to Leanne's comments I'm beginning to think that I need rewrite or add to the poem to indicate that this person is bitching at the sun and doesn't necessarily have the normal poetic vocabulary for it.
grannyjill Wrote:May I ask about the 'sore-headed' sun sharing the same sentence with 'eager grin'....Are you referring to the emblem of the sun which is usually that of an orange ball with golden spikes radiating out from him as if he's got a bad migraine? or that the sun IS bad-tempered?Sore-head is referring to the sun's obstinance- maybe incorrectly used though. And the 'eager' of the 'eager grin' is my way of showing the beauty of the sun just pisses the narrator(?) off.
grannyjill Wrote:A half-formed thought - stylistically - how about using Glimmer. Smirk. Dance. Shine. That creates a link between each outburst that seems (to me) to reinforce the poetry of this piece.Good suggestion, but the last line starting with sink was intended to indicate a cycle. 'Shine' wouldn't serve, I'm afraid.
Thanks for the comments, Jill. I will eventually get back to this one.
