12-14-2011, 02:25 PM
Besides what LA said. I think "plethora" is probably not needed, thus it becomes gratuitous.
"I move among images and truths,
distorting those which court my gaze."
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Some of your lineation I'm not wild about. They do not seem like natural breaks, nor do they seem to serve another purpose.
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Some of the lines seem unbalanced:
"Mother, weep as I erect a mall on your sacred burial grounds."
How many scared burial grounds does one mother have? Maybe Mother should be plural and burial ground singular.
Father, drink your beer and howl like a jackal in heat.
Drinking beer is a fairly mild activity, and I don't see how "howl like a jackal in heat" follows from it.
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"You'll be doomed to sluttery in a stranger's eyes."
Seems unnecessarily awkward.
You'll be doomed as a slut in a stranger's eyes. It seems that being doomed to sluttery would happen in the stranger's bed. Slut is a judgement, while sluttery is more of an action, despite the fact both are nouns, sluttery includes the "practices" of a slut.
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I think this is a fairly unique approach to the topic, but it could benefit from more focus. A good beginning, but not yet a good end.
Dale
"I move among images and truths,
distorting those which court my gaze."
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Some of your lineation I'm not wild about. They do not seem like natural breaks, nor do they seem to serve another purpose.
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Some of the lines seem unbalanced:
"Mother, weep as I erect a mall on your sacred burial grounds."
How many scared burial grounds does one mother have? Maybe Mother should be plural and burial ground singular.
Father, drink your beer and howl like a jackal in heat.
Drinking beer is a fairly mild activity, and I don't see how "howl like a jackal in heat" follows from it.
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"You'll be doomed to sluttery in a stranger's eyes."
Seems unnecessarily awkward.
You'll be doomed as a slut in a stranger's eyes. It seems that being doomed to sluttery would happen in the stranger's bed. Slut is a judgement, while sluttery is more of an action, despite the fact both are nouns, sluttery includes the "practices" of a slut.
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I think this is a fairly unique approach to the topic, but it could benefit from more focus. A good beginning, but not yet a good end.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.