Eight Movements

[billy]

Revision 2/12/11 (Thanks Todd )

i.

The owl sat the pussycat on his knee
and said “little girl, won’t you come with me i think little girl is too obvious
to a wonderful candyland fantasy
where I’ll do as I please, for no-one shall see.”

ii.

Paint me inside your head
striped red
dangling kittenish on silken thread
tongue engorged, carcass bled

the 1st verse feels like abuse, loss of innocence and virginity. the 1st two verse feel like the intro into some kind of contract, specially in relation to the buyer beware in iii except the buyer wasn't aware, how could innocence be that aware. it gives the feeling of having to do something after doing something you didn't know you were doing (you being the 1st person in poem)


iii.

caveat emptor

iv.

You thought my fame would let you lie i would have liked more understanding of the 'my fame' seeing as i don't of it
upon a feather bed, not rise does this line need to be self contained?
for trivia like babies’ cries
or doubt that shut out half the sky.

You stole from me that cold July.
Two minutes in between my thighs;
the embryo that would arise
was doubt that shut out half the sky.

And in the end, it passed me by,
that elder dream that turned my eyes
within; what kind of fool relies
on doubt that shuts out half the sky? the regret feels palpable(to me)

The kited dragon cannot fly
when tethered; so by toothed surprise
she snaps and breaks the hated ties
to doubt, and soars to claim the sky.
i really like this verse. it has the strength of those
who need to cut the bonds that hold them against their will and finishes off the Kyrielle was perfect in form as far as i could tell.


v.

There was shit on my shoe
and I licked it off
thinking it was toffee

Remembering the times
I should have wiped you on the kerb
but licked you off
instead

the three liner works for me as a transition but the 4 liner below it doesn't, it feels too forced, even a little trite (is that the right word)


vi.

With saccharine smiles they mouth “artist”
into irrelevance, somewhere below the packages
for their tv dinners
They, with their Strawberry Shortcake imaginations
sugar flakes on instant replay
with clichés cut up to there
the change to free verse is done well. now it's about them and not you.
the theme of non academe is obvious. what do they know?

We leave them alone
But they scurry behind us
Begging for scraps to turn into foetid misconception
Longing to think we care enough
To be offended by their disregard

Never dreaming that their universe
Is far too small to register in our view
And we feel nothing
Not even contempt
For those who will never rise
this and the previous stanza smacks of malice even though 'we feel nothing'
is declared. the indifference feels to be much more.
vii.

Stationary days
As the organ plays
Alone

Sunlight set ablaze
Burning with clichés
Outgrown

Crippled elder phrase this feels forced
Dreams of ways to raise
The tone

Wanders through the maze
Softly sings his praise
To stone

Sheep of silence graze
As the future stays
Unknown
the transition to the 3 liners didn't quite cut it for me. though i can't say why. i did like them but i struggled to shift gear.


viii.

As I must die, let it be like Pericles. Let fever dreams and
gastric leakage drown the truth I do not want to know: that one
who can stand the higher dictates of distant gods
is utterly debased by the greatness of man.

Let the quiet delirium descend, that the daimon may
dance me puppetwise above the charnel streets; lift me clear of eternal
stagnation, to dine with Aristophanes, laughing sideways at the clouds.

it's all any of us can hope for )
_____________________________________________________________


*This is absolutely a work in progress, so please don't hold back on any criticism -- it doesn't hang together properly yet and all suggestions will be most gratefully received*

god, that was so hard to do sorry if i got it wrong or if i spoke out of turn about the last but one transition. on the whole the poem is almost epic heroic. well epic anyway.
it falls and flies and dips and soars or tries to (for me) and there in lies it's beauty. it feel truthful. it's like an individuals pearl harbour.
i loved it in places and felt it overdone in others, (the three line section) but that just my take. i wish i could write as well as this.
thanks for the read and sorry for any rubbish i may have written in response hehe.