12-02-2011, 07:01 PM
Alamo
Casket that escaped,
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept
Casket that escaped
hollowed of bones
beneath footsteps
you slept
your fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks.[/b[b]]....instead of past/present/past ?
until the day they came
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty.
They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared.
Scars, they covered like matches, (matches you light? hm?)
every tooth replaced, (I don't think this line is necessary)
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen - love this
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
' magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names.' [b]I think this isn't needed. The whole of the first part is tells us this beautifully.
They have strapped
the city to your back great
and laid a road to march,
leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war,
But go back, I thought 'turn back' but saw 'return' below
shrine
of a lonely sun,
last record
of lives left
under paved fields;
return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down.
(I like this final verse very much - it is both sad and heroic)
I thought everyone knew about The Alamo, perhaps not. John Wayne spread his (poor) version of the events to the world.
I have very little criticism to give for this. The choice of a place which witnessed death immediately evokes emotion in us, so you start with an advantage. But, you could have ruined that effect/affect (?) with heavy descriptions of the events - by concentrating on the shadows that remain you've produced something wonderful.
I really enjoyed reading this. My quibbles are only minor, so if not in accord with your wishes (and are ignored) you still have a very successful poem.
ps - Have you noticed how brave I am becoming....fools rush in where angels fear to tread!
Casket that escaped,
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept
Casket that escaped
hollowed of bones
beneath footsteps
you slept
your fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks.[/b[b]]....instead of past/present/past ?
until the day they came
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty.
They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared.
Scars, they covered like matches, (matches you light? hm?)
every tooth replaced, (I don't think this line is necessary)
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen - love this
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
' magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names.' [b]I think this isn't needed. The whole of the first part is tells us this beautifully.
They have strapped
the city to your back great
and laid a road to march,
leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war,
But go back, I thought 'turn back' but saw 'return' below
shrine
of a lonely sun,
last record
of lives left
under paved fields;
return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down.
(I like this final verse very much - it is both sad and heroic)
I thought everyone knew about The Alamo, perhaps not. John Wayne spread his (poor) version of the events to the world.
I have very little criticism to give for this. The choice of a place which witnessed death immediately evokes emotion in us, so you start with an advantage. But, you could have ruined that effect/affect (?) with heavy descriptions of the events - by concentrating on the shadows that remain you've produced something wonderful.
I really enjoyed reading this. My quibbles are only minor, so if not in accord with your wishes (and are ignored) you still have a very successful poem.
ps - Have you noticed how brave I am becoming....fools rush in where angels fear to tread!