We Were Strangers? (Double Etheree)

[grannyjill]

I love this. I really like the progression of the narrative, and how the form complemented that, making the reader hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware of time as it was measured out. What I didn't much like was L10, "this world for him was ended"; it read a bit like a filler detail since we already know he committed suicide. But that's pretty much it for the quibble. I very much enjoyed this.

It is interesting that you chose to concentrate on that line. It was a re-write after I had finished. The 'suicide' line was previously 'Just like that. This world for him was ended'....but, I realised that as written it didn't make it clear that he died by his own hand. So, I simply changed the first part of the line, without thinking how it went with the latter part....obviously, it showed!
Well spotted. Thank you for your kind words. I like trying new poetic forms, but I'm not sure that they serve any useful purpose for the reader.
As the writer, it does me good since I have a tendency to over explain, and over-write and things like 'etherees' rein me in.