Hi Jill,
On the rewrite: Present tense may add more immediacy. See if you like it better. As to the individual lines I think you're moving in a good direction, I do have a few call outs for your consideration:
L3: The skies heard?
L9: The action shows the heat is this line really needed?
L10: I dislike words like suddenly in a poem is it necessary or can the action show it?
L10-11: Maybe consider pulling them up to end S2 the strophe break can give the sense of waters crashing down to the next line (using the white space). Adverbs are not your friends is loudly necessary when crashed gives the same idea?
I'll hold further comment as this is Mild. Again it's moving in a good direction.
Hope some of that was helpful.
Best,
Todd
On the rewrite: Present tense may add more immediacy. See if you like it better. As to the individual lines I think you're moving in a good direction, I do have a few call outs for your consideration:
L3: The skies heard?
L9: The action shows the heat is this line really needed?
L10: I dislike words like suddenly in a poem is it necessary or can the action show it?
L10-11: Maybe consider pulling them up to end S2 the strophe break can give the sense of waters crashing down to the next line (using the white space). Adverbs are not your friends is loudly necessary when crashed gives the same idea?
I'll hold further comment as this is Mild. Again it's moving in a good direction.
Hope some of that was helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson