10-31-2011, 09:08 AM
personally i think the title would be better used within the poem and another title utilized to replace it.
i'd also remove the half bracket.
for me it feels too of a muchness. it's not enlightening me enough to be interesting. i love asteroid 15338
and want to know it. from your poem i get more of a knowledge of mars and jupiter.
i think the 1st line is living above its means once the rest of the poem unravels.
it's an okay poem but it could do with some umph. jmo
thanks for the read
don't forget to give some feedback to others.
i'd also remove the half bracket.
for me it feels too of a muchness. it's not enlightening me enough to be interesting. i love asteroid 15338
and want to know it. from your poem i get more of a knowledge of mars and jupiter.
i think the 1st line is living above its means once the rest of the poem unravels.
it's an okay poem but it could do with some umph. jmo
thanks for the read
don't forget to give some feedback to others.