10-31-2011, 09:01 AM
If you believe in 'show not tell', then there are little passages here which could be excised -'I wondered' e.g. I am not like that, though I do think it a useful way to look at things, to make sure all is really right, and tight.
It is a mini-narrative, with Jane /my friend making an appearance, but without being important to the development of the thing. I am a little awkward with that --I think I would either expand a bit, so that it would be more of a story, or more probably, cut that out.
Having been suitably critical, I love the nostalgic tone ---- a kind of dusty rocking-horse in the attic situation. I also appreciated being able to understand without having to do a kind of poetic cross-word!
It is a mini-narrative, with Jane /my friend making an appearance, but without being important to the development of the thing. I am a little awkward with that --I think I would either expand a bit, so that it would be more of a story, or more probably, cut that out.
Having been suitably critical, I love the nostalgic tone ---- a kind of dusty rocking-horse in the attic situation. I also appreciated being able to understand without having to do a kind of poetic cross-word!